With Thanksgiving upon us, here are some things I’m thankful for, Pittsburgh Steelers-style.

I’m thankful for:  Charlie Batch

The first month of the season could have been a real mess thanks to the ridiculous suspension of Ben Roethlisberger.  It could have been an even bigger mess when Dennis Dixon went down with an MCL injury.  But Chaz stepped in and guided the Steelers to within 50 seconds of an undefeated start.

I’m thankful for:  Skippy’s wooden leg.

Jeff Reed forgot one important fact; he’s a kicker.  Kickers are like umpires or little children, the best ones are those you hardly know are there.  Nobody wants to hear from a kicker, especially when it has to do with contract complaints or restroom rage.  But when he hits 90% of his FGs, there isn’t much you can do.  So while his stunning ineptitude only really cost the Steelers one game (Ravens), it’s nice to finally be rid of the Heatmiser once and for all.

I’m thankful for:  Sean Kugler and Al Everest

My doctor certainly appreciates Everest’s work in keeping my stress level from going through the roof on every kickoff/punt like it did last season.  Hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot less of Captain Faircatch (Antwaan Randle-El), too.   As for the Kugler, this offensive line pretty much defines the term “patchwork.”  And yet everybody seems to be playing up to their ability or surpassing it.  An extra drumstick for both.

I’m thankful for:  the 5th round pick we got for Santonio Holmes

Thankful we didn’t just give him away for free.  Yeah, he was an idiot.  And, yeah, I’d rather have Mike Wallace.  But it’s pretty clear ARE and the rookies aren’t the same as having both Holmes and Wallace.  Watching ‘Tone make big play after big play for the Jets this year annoys me to think we gave up such a talent because of some phony stance on player morality.  And for such a bargain basement price!

I’m thankful for:  Drunk college girls

At the risk of turning this into the NPC version of KissingSuzyKolber’s hilarious Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag, let’s remember the best part of college; random hook-ups.  Yes, even us dorks who went to CMU had fun (thank god for slutty Pitt girls).  Of course, the great tragedy of collegiate debauchery is while the women are loose, they don’t really know what they’re doing until they’re much older.  That’s why everybody loves a cougar.

So let’s give thanks that when Ben decided to get his freak on, he did it with a drunk sorority girl wearing a DTF name tag.  Whether she used teeth or can’t control her gag reflex, we’ll never know.  But whatever she did was so lousy, not one single drop of semen was found in the bathroom, on her clothes, or anywhere on her person.  Because we know if that pious witch-hunting D.A. had even a microscopic amount of evidence, Big Ben would be sitting at home right now preparing for his trial instead of leading us on our climb up the Stairway To Seven

I’m thankful for:  Roger Goodell’s stunning lack of ambition

Let’s rejoice that the Ginger Dictator doesn’t harbor any political dreams or national ambitions.  Can you imagine this man as a Senator or even our President?  If this country were run as shoddily and haphazard as he runs the NFL, we’d be France.

I’m thankful for:  Some horse in some stable somewhere

That horse’s great-great-great granddaddy won a race.  And because he won that race, Art Rooney was able to start a football team.  Sure, I don’t always agree with what they do but would you rather have Dan Snyder or Mike Brown?  When you look at all the idiot owners in the NFL, we’re truly blessed to have such a great family steering the ship lo these many years.

And finally, I’m most thankful for:

The NFL is a joke.  And I’m not laughing.

Richard Seymour perpetrated one of the vilest acts of cowardice in league history on Sunday.   His sucker punch of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was a criminal act which should have landed him behind bars courtesy of the Pittsburgh police department just like any other common thug.  Menaces such as him should not only face huge fines and lengthy suspensions but permanent banishment from the game.

In short, a cheap-shot artist like Richard Seymour does not belong in the NFL.

The NFL’s response to his reprehensible actions?   A $25,000 fine.  That’s it.   Meal money and a slap on the wrist.  No suspension.

This is the most outrageous decision yet from the corrupt administration of Roger Goodell.  Prior to this, I thought the Ginger Dictator was an arrogant but basically well-intentioned man.   Now I see my mistake.  He is at best an incompetent boob who hands out punishments based on whims and at worst has an obvious vendetta against certain teams and players.

After Sunday’s game, James Harrison made it clear he felt Seymour should be suspended.  James points out, quite correctly, that if guys are going to be suspended for things which happen DURING PLAY, incidents which occur when players moving at incredible speeds are given a mere split-second to react, how could you NOT hold somebody accountable for purposely throwing a vicious right-cross after play is over?  It’s hypocritical.

Seymour knew full well what he was doing.  It was a punk move done by one of the biggest dicks in NFL history.   I guess it’s only natural he plays on a team of punks coached by a moronic punk who beat up his wife when he wasn’t sucker punching assistant coaches.

But they have Roger Goodell in their hip pocket so they have that going for them.  Earlier this season, Harrison was fined an outrageous $75,000 for a clean unpenalized hit on some clumsy receiver who ducked into his shoulder while he was attempting to make a form perfect tackle.  The reason for the huge amount?   Harrison “was a repeat offender.”

Okay, let’s look at what an upstanding citizen Seymour is.  In 2006, he was fined for stepping on a Colts offensive lineman after a play.  In 2009, he was fined for pulling Bronco Ryan Clady’s hair.  Hair pulling?  Seriously?  Way to act like a nine-year-old girl, assclown.  Wait, it gets better.  In December 2009, Seymour was ejected and later fined $10,000 for hitting Browns running back Jerome Harrison after a play was over.

Is that not the very definition of “a repeat offender?”   How many criminal acts does Seymour get to perform before he’s fined $75,000?   Will pulling out a knife and shanking Big Ben in full view of 65,000 people be enough?  Or is it just Steelers who are subject to the stiffest penalties allowed?

I don’t know why I get so worked up over this.  I should have seen it coming.  The NFL has no interest in player safety or enforcing their phony rules concerning helmet-to-helmet hits unless the play in question involves a Steeler.  Austin Collie gets stretchered out after a spear by Eagle Kurt Coleman.  No fine, no suspension.  James Sanders cheap shots Hines Ward with clear and malicious intent.  No fine, no suspension.

But LaMarr Woodley shoves Tommy Bieber with less force than I push my goddaughter on her swing and it’s a $12,500 fine.

The Raiders are a joke.  The NFL is a joke.  The NFL’s rules are a joke.  And Roger Goodell is the biggest joke of all.

And I’m not laughing.