Yesterday, I came home from a long day at work, heated up a container of Ramen Noodles, and sat down in front of the television to unwind. On days after a crushing loss by the Pittsburgh Steelers, my interest in football tends to briefly wane.  Making matters worse was the fact our hated rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, were being featured on Monday Night Football.  I felt a little better seeing them play like total crap almost the entire first half.  My joy was short-lived as soon enough they began to pound on Bill Cowher‘s future team, the hapless Carolina Panthers.

In between the roughly five billion commercials networks squeeze in during NFL telecasts, I channel surf.  Usually my first stop is the USA Network to check up with what’s happening in the wacky world of professional wrestling.  In case you don’t care for fake sports like WWE or NASCAR or you stopped watching around the time The Rock changed his name to Dwayne, I should probably tell you that they have a new gimmick where every week Monday Night Raw is “hosted” by a different celebrity ala SNL.

Sometime around the 3rd quarter, I flipped over to RAW.  That’s when I saw the announcement.

Ben Roethlisberger is hosting next week’s episode.

Now, I know we’re only three games into the season.  But next Sunday night, the Steelers play the San Diego Chargers.  If Pittsburgh loses that game and they fall to 1-3, Steeler Nation will not be pleased.  Even though the show will be broadcast live from Wilkes-Barre, Ben will still have to risk showing his face in front of a bunch of pissed off Yinzers.  He’ll be a bigger bad guy than Randy Orton.

To be fair, Ben is doing the show for a good cause.  He’s there to pimp The Ben Roethlisberger Foundation, his charitable group which donates support to police and firefighters.  While he’s there, hopefully he’ll take a cue from former guest host Shaquille O’Neal and attempt to lay the smackdown on somebody’s candy ass.  I’m sure Mike Tomlin doesn’t want to see it but the idea of Big Ben vs. Big Show sounds like Must See TV to me!

Those are some of the nicknames for NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq is a four time NBA champion, 15 time All-Star, and future Hall of Famer. This off-season, he decided to add “reality show participant” to his resume. The result is called Shaq vs. where he takes on the best players other sports have to offer.

This past Tuesday, Shaq took on Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in a football challenge. Luckily for you, I taped the show and finally got around to transferring the results off my DVR and on to youtube. Since my hard work would be taken down in about 2 1/2 minutes if I uploaded the entire show, you’ll have to make due with the clips I’ve selected, highlighting the best moments from the episode.

Let’s begin with Shaq rolling up to Ben’s impressive home. Ever the fashion plate, Ben greets him looking like one of those homeless men down in Oakland who offer to clean your windshield for a quarter.

Pretty impressive, huh? Pause the video at 55 seconds for the ultimate example of what people buy when they have more money than they know what to do with.

I hope Andrea McNulty doesn’t watch this video.

Anyway, once inside Ben’s crib, Shaq gets a look at his trophy collection.

So now you know where never to sit if you find yourself invited over to Ben Roethlisberger’s house. I have to say, it instills me with utmost confidence to know while Brett Favre was retiring and unretiring five times, Tom Brady was impregnating supermodels, and Peyton Manning was undergoing grueling off-season workouts, Ben was kicking back in his favorite chair.

After that, we had the official press conference announcing Ben vs. Shaq. Pay particular attention to what Ben’s wearing in this clip. It should look familiar to anybody who remembers his “I did not rape that woman” press conference. I guess this multi-millionaire athlete only owns one suit. One ugly, tacky, ill-fitting suit.

Too bad Shaq didn’t challenge one of the goofs vying to be starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. They wouldn’t have to worry about any Lombardi Trophies distracting him from his destination. Actually, Shaq is playing for the NBA’s Cavaliers this year as they go all out trying to bring a championship to the wretched city of Cleveland. Good luck with that, Diesel.

For our next clip, Shaq seeks out the best coaching he can find in order to get his quarterbacking skills up to par. So of course he consults with the Steelers other quarterback, Charlie Batch.

Meanwhile, head coach Mike Tomlin brings his munchkins with him to check in on Ben’s progress. I dunno about you but I still think Tomlin is the coolest man alive.

Finally, the “competition” begins. Each man gets the ball three times and it’s touchdown or bust. They match TDs in the first round, then in the second round Shaq uncorks his one (and only) fantastic pass of the game.

But on his next try, Shaq is intercepted in the end zone. Ben takes the ball for his third and final drive. Much like the Super Bowl, Roethlisberger works it down the field with smart short passes until he finally ending the competition with this throw.

Big Ben wins. Shaq enjoys an unsuccessful yet respectable showing. And we get to enjoy the fact our team and our quarterback are finally getting some of the spotlight they deserve. Thanks, big fella!

Tuesday was a busy day for Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. He took on the NBA’s Shaquille O’Neal in a football challenge for the new show Shaq vs. A few hours later, his lawyers released a salvo of emails pertaining to the ongoing civil lawsuit against him.  Andrea McNulty has some ‘splainin’ to do.

The woman who has accused Ben of raping her in a Reno hotel room in July 2008 seemingly suffered no ill effects from the traumatic event.  She fired off a number of text and email messages in the days immediately after the alleged assault, then spoke highly of Ben for months afterward.  All that’s missing is a Twitter update recounting Ben’s post-coital snack of choice (My money’s on ham n’ cheese Hot Pocket).  Read her messages for yourself and draw your own conclusions.

I won’t belabor the article by repeating it here. I think the evidence speaks for itself in this case. I will say that I found two of her emails particularly disturbing. The first being her telling her fictional online boyfriend that, “Ben said he would take me to this place he has in Wyoming and they horseback into this fishing hole and camp.”

At least now we know the cowboy hat isn’t just for show. Did Ben really invite her up to his fishing hole?  What kind of pick up line is that?  Or do you think she just made that up to get her Fake Boyfriend jealous?  I can never figure out how the devious female mind works.  And hasn’t she ever heard you’re supposed to save a horse and ride a cowboy? Where’s PETA on this? Probably over in Philly, protesting Michael Vick while trying to duck the rocks thrown by the mouth-breathers who follow that team.

The second disturbing thing was this email, written about 20 hours after her alleged rape. “I am really excited because we are all going to see Journey tonight and that will be sooooo much fun. Speaking of which, I need to head over to a dinner with [Mr. Roethlisberger] and a few others before heading out. I will be back and working until at least 3am again.”

She likes Journey? I love Journey. I’ve seen them in concert four times because Journey is awesome. I cannot tell you how profoundly disturbing it is to know some petty money-grubbing nutjob and I both have a weakness for 70′s power ballads.  If I find out she has Death Cab on her IPod, I’ll officially give up music forever.