Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed celebrated Sunday’s victory over the Browns by getting his drink on. Of course, this ended the way Skippy’s drunken escapades usually end. Handcuffs, and not the good kind, for our wayward kicker and embarrassment for the Steelers organization. With his contract set to expire at the end of the season, this latest foolishness probably seals his fate as far as remaining in the Black and Gold is concerned.

This has been a weird year for the Steelers when it comes to running afoul of the law. They can’t just get in trouble, it always has to be some odd situation or crazy set of circumstances. First, it was Reed’s vicious assault on a paper towel dispenser. Then came the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit, filled with disturbing accusations and a nutjob of an alleged victim. Now we have Skippy fighting for his right to urinate.

Reed, his father (?), and Steelers TE Matt Spaeth were out carousing on the North Shore. Spaeth evidently decided to relieve himself right on the street next to their SUV.  Believe me, female readers, when I say this is not an uncommon thing for men to do.  *Ahem*  The ever vigilant Pittsburgh Police, who evidently wiped the city clean of all robberies, rapes, and murders because whizzing has now taken top priority, were on the scene! SIR, PLEASE UNHAND YOUR JOHNSON AND STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE!!

Good thing that wasn’t Santonio Holmes. The insipid police would’ve thought he was packing heat instead of packing, uh, something else and opened fire.

Anyway, while Spaeth was being ticketed, Skippy went nuts. He jumped out of the vehicle to protest this outrage.  His father was driving, by the way. I point that out for two reasons. One, it shows Skippy is responsible enough to bring along a sober companion as a designated driver. And two, that’s a pretty good son to use his athletic fame to hook his dad up with some groupies.

As Skippy defended Spaeth’s right to pee wherever he wants, the story becomes a bit weird. To quote the cop, “he got into a fighters stance.” Now, I have several really close friends. And I’ve been part of a team. However, I never liked anybody enough to get into a pissing contest, er, physical confrontation over their urinary freedom.

Well, this “fight” went about as you’d expect. Skippy is a kicker, after all. The cop put him in some sort of Brazilian jujitsu arm lock while his partner cuffed him. Good thing that cop wasn’t a paper towel dispenser. Reed would have kicked his ass.

Skippy was given a citation for simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness although he was released to his father’s custody. They said he smelt of alcohol. NO SHIT!? A crazy belligerent dude with Troll Doll hair who just stumbled out of a bar had been DRINKING!?! Herr Goodell and the NFL Gestapo is reviewing the case so I fully expect the Steelers to be without their kicker for at least one game.

The larger picture here is Skippy’s future. The Steelers won’t change kickers mid-stream but the future is very much in doubt. Reed turned down a token contract offer at the end of preseason. With Piotr Czech waiting in the wings, I have a feeling this incident will be the breaking point for the Steelers. Prepare to see Reed suiting up for a different team in 2010, a team more tolerant of imbecilic behavior.

I’m guessing the Cincinnati Bengals.

Last week, the Pittsburgh Steelers faced off against a downtrodden franchise struggling to climb out of the abyss.  This week, the Steelers face another downtrodden franchise, albeit one that seems to be moving in the opposite direction towards rock bottom.  The stunning ineptitude of the Cleveland Browns has transformed what used to be one of the greatest rivalries in NFL history into the football version of whack-a-mole.

The Browns featured the second-most anemic offensive attack in the league last year.  So what did they do?   They traded Joey Porter‘s BFF Kellen Winslow to Tampa, lost Donte Stallworth to a season-long suspension for killing somebody in a DUI accident, and just recently swapped star WR Braylon Edwards to the Jets for a shoddy bomb casing filled with used pinball machine parts.  That was the second time the Jets took advantage of ex-coach Eric Mangini‘s new team.  They were also the ones who swapped first round picks with Cleveland, allowing them to move up and take rookie sensation QB Mark Sanchez.

QB is one spot the Browns could sorely use right now.  They started the season with the league’s most fabulous quarterback, Brady Quinn.  Quinn was terribly ineffective as, surprisingly, any man-on-man contact seems to make him play like a scared little girl.  Last week, they turned to Derek Anderson, who led the team to a 10-6 record and made an appearance in the Pro Bowl back in 2007.  Anderson responded by leading the team to their first victory of the season despite passing for…   No.  Words cannot justify how pathetic he was last week.  Take a look at his stats for yourself and keep in mind he played a 60 minute game and WON!

The Steelers offense will likely be the same maddening mix of too many passes and not enough runs with a sprinkling of Ben Roethlisberger heroics.  Speaking of the running game, Rashard Mendenhall was ill part of this week while Willie Parker returned to practice.  FWP has a special shoe designed to protect his Turf Toe so he is likely to play on Sunday.  Man, I can’t even get my Chuck Taylor’s in black unless I custom order them.

The defense they will be working against ranked in the bottom quarter of the league each season under former coach Romeo Crennel.  Mangini decided to copy the Steelers switch to a 3-4.  His boneheaded trades brought over a handful of former Jets, including DE Kenyon Coleman and LBs Eric Barton and David Bowens, to upgrade the defensive side of the ball.  They are currently near the bottom in points given up per game and dead last in rushing yards allowed so whomever carries the ball for us is in line for a good day.  At least until Bruce Arians decides to throw 40 yard bombs on every play.

The Steelers D will be welcoming back Troy Polamalu.  Polamalu, who’ll play with a brace on his injured knee, seems confident the injury won’t have any noticeable affect on either his play or shiny full-bodied hair.  The sad state of Cleveland QB play won’t be much of a test.  What will be tested is our suddenly questionable run defense.  With Aaron Smith gone for the year, our best run-stopper is no longer available.  Jamal Lewis piled up 117 yards last week and despite getting up there in years, shows little sign of slowing down.  This will be an interesting warm-up for the law firm of Kirschke, Eason, & Hood before the main event next week in Minnesota.

Last year, the Steelers narrowly defeated a terrible Browns team 10-6 very early in the season.  They did obliterate them in the rematch but as last week in Detroit has shown, “any given Sunday.”   And while I don’t think this Sunday will be given to Cleveland, I do hope to see a good effort from the Steelers.  The schedule only gets tougher from here so if this team has championship potential in them, now is the time to start showing it.

The Pittsburgh Steelers held on to defeat the Detroit Lions 28-20 yesterday afternoon.  I apologize for being late with this recap but, honestly, I have no idea where to start with this one.  We’re more than 1/4 of the way through the 2009 season and there seems to be a Great NFL Divide between the good teams and the bad ones.  At this point, I can’t tell you which category the Steelers belong in.

I knew we were in for a long afternoon when Ben Roethlisberger came out throwing the ball on their first three plays.  Of course, that went nowhere.  Daunte Culpepper then led his Lions down the field, doing most of the work himself with a 32 yard scramble.  A short pass-and-run by Maurice Morris for 16 yards set them up on our 27 yard line where the drive eventually fizzled and they settled for a FG.

I recount that drive because that was basically the story of the game.  The Lions moved the ball.  They eventually shot themselves in the foot, either with a penalty or a sack or some other miscue.  Also, in honor of all the Cancer Awareness this month, head coach Jim Schwartz needs to have his testicles checked to make sure they’re there.  His Cowardly Lion decision making didn’t help Detroit’s cause.  On the aforementioned FG, Will.i.am Gay was offsides (a 5 yard penalty) on the 4th and 5 play.  If you’re coaching a team with one win in two years, you’re playing the Super Bowl champs, and you’re at home (so to speak, half the crowd looked to be wearing Black and Gold), don’t you GO FOR IT?   What is there to lose?

I am shocked at how what was the best defense in the NFL last year can be so poor this year.  Yes, the D only surrendered 13 points.  Yes, they had a season high 7 sacks, including 3 from the resurgent James Harrison and 1.5 from Mister Woodley.  But Detroit’s self-inflicted screw-ups kept the score low.   Against a decent team, a lot of those FGs would have been TDs.

The Lions had 335 yards of offense.  The Steelers had 344.  I repeat, the pitiful one-win Detroit Lions had the same amount of offense as your defending Super Bowl champions.  And that’s not even a fair comparison because the Steeler offense worked against a defense ranked near the bottom of the NFL.  Meanwhile, the Lions piled up yards against the Steelers supposedly great defense despite starting an ancient backup QB and without the services of superstar WR Calvin Johnson.

Which brings me to our offense. Bruce Arians is the dumbest offensive coordinator ever.  Once he decided to run the ball, Rashard Mendenhall was RIPPING THEM UP.  He had about 60 yards on 9 carries(!) at halftime.  So what does Arians do?  He gives him SIX more carries the entire second half.  SIX!?!?!   Mendenhall finished with only 77 yards despite averaging a whopping 5 yards/carry.  Isn’t the fourth quarter, when you’re up by 15 points as the Steeler were, the best time to grind out the clock by RUNNING THE BALL?  Why was he dialing up super-bombs instead?  Can somebody explain this moron’s offensive strategy to me?   Please?

Arians’ passing fetish almost lead to one of the most embarrassing upsets in Steeler history.  Don’t get me wrong, Big Ben (23/37  282 yards) played a decent game.  He connected on some nice short passes and even hit rookie Mike Wallace on a beautiful deep bomb which Wallace unfortunately Sweed-ed to the turf.  He did redeem himself later by coming back to catch an underthrown deep ball for a TD.

Still, the Steelers aren’t the Colts.   Ben is not Peyton Manning.  I’m not saying I wish we had Peyton or that he’s better than Ben.  They are different players with different skills.  The skills Peyton has allow the Colts to throw the ball 40x every game because he throws the ball away to avoid sacks and he doesn’t throw many INTs.  Ben has the tendency to make bad throws, like the Pick Six against the division-leading Bengals and the one he threw yesterday which narrowed the score to 14-13.  And he holds on to the ball like a Reno desk clerk holds on to her semen-stained cowgirl hat.  Sure, Arians was an idiot for calling deep passing plays late in the 4th quarter but Ben has to know the situation and THROW THE BALL AWAY.  Instead, he took three costly sacks over a five play span.

Un-frickin’-believable.

This bit of offensive ineptitude set up what threatened to be another 4th quarter collapse by the Tissue Paper Curtain.  They gave up a 25 yard TD to Dennis Northcutt on a deep pass down the middle where Keiwan Ratliff, who is a cornerback playing safety because we have no decent backups, was badly out of position.  This drive covered 82 yards and took a grand total of THREE MINUTES.  On their next and final drive, Culpepper directed his team all the way to the Steelers 21 yard line before Dick LeBeau had enough and basically ordered them to Kill The Quarterback.

When Troy Polamalu was injured opening day against the Titans, I said not to worry.  I felt we still had so much talent on the defense that missing one player, even one as great as Troy, wasn’t going to affect us that much.  I am now fully prepared to say I was wrong.  Not just wrong, like George Bush Wrong.  Like Roman Polanski Wrong.  Like Pink Roethlisberger Jersey Wrong.  Without Troy, this defense is average at best.  Tyrone Carter sucks.  Ratliff doesn’t know what he’s doing.   Our linebackers can’t drop back into coverage.  And nobody in the secondary can pick off a pass.

I apologize if this recap is sounding more like a Yinzer Rant.  I probably sound like some degenerate gambler who is pissed because Vegas had the Steelers favored by 14 points yesterday.  I am just very very disturbed by the way this team is playing right now.  Detroit is by no means the worst team in the league anymore (hello, Raiders!) but there is no way this game should have been close.  Our offensive philosophy is completely screwed up and our defense is having massive problems in the secondary.  Unless these things get fixed and get fixed soon, we’re going to find ourselves on the wrong side of the Great NFL Divide.

The Pittsburgh Steelers tasted their first defeat of the 2009 season with a heartbreaking 17-14 loss to the Chicago Bears.

As is usually the case with the Steelers, this was a loss which didn’t have to be. The Black and Gold had every opportunity to win this game and but for one individual failing twice in crucial situations, their fortunes could have easily been reversed. I won’t belabor who the goat was because he knows who he is and we know who he is. What I will say is every Sheetz in Western Pennsylvania better be on high alert over the next few days.

Still, it would be unfair to pin this loss on just one man, no matter how stupid his hair may be. Skippy Reed may be the obvious scapegoat but this defeat has many contributors. I know I must resist the yinzer urge to push the panic button. However, I’m honestly very disappointed with what I saw yesterday.

The first quarter couldn’t have gone any better. The Steeler D was dominant, limiting the Bears offense to 11 total yards. Ben Roethlisberger showed pinpoint accuracy, driving the team 92 yards in 13 plays over 8 minutes, capped off with a 1 yard TD pass to Matt Spaeth on a 4th down play. Nine of those plays were passes which we should have seen as a big neon warning sign.

Then the second quarter began. The Steelers once again drove deep into enemy territory. However, that came to an abrupt end when Big Ben (23/35 221 yards) underthrew his receiver for an INT. The poor throw was aided by a Bear pass rusher jostling Ben’s elbow while Max Starks flailed at him helplessly.  That’s what you like to see from your Franchise player. At this point, the entire tone of the game changed as this one play gave the Bears a spark they desperately needed.

After trading punts, da refs decided Da Bears needed some help. They flagged James Harrison for a personal foul when he was clearly pushed into the quarterback, then flagged Lawrence Timmons for a hold which was so Ticky-Tacky they should name a breath mint after it. Given those two gifts, Chicago QB Jay Cutler expertly led his team down the field by exploiting our secondary, particularly Will.i.am Gay.

Maybe it makes me a homophobe but I hate Gay. He made an idiot of himself at the Super Bowl Victory Parade and he’s always pounding his chest or doing bodybuilder poses whenever he makes a halfway decent play. Yet despite his big shot attitude, he continues to play like three pounds of monkey poop in a two pound bag. He’s always getting turned around, out of position, or playing 10 yards off his receiver. He’s going to be a major liability if the quality of his play doesn’t start to match his opinion of himself.

Again, to be fair, when the Bears finally scored on a 6 yard pass to Kellen Davis, it wasn’t young Will.i.am who was beaten. Nope, the crispy piece of toast on that particular play was Tyrone Carter. Troy’s replacement had a brutal game in every sense.  He absolutely blasted a couple guys on hits but he was also picked on more often than a Mathlete in high school. He doesn’t have the skills to cover anybody one-on-one and he misses a lot of tackles.

At halftime, the score was tied 7-7 and the two teams were practically even in every statistical category. The Steelers came out throwing  on 7 of their first 9 third quarter plays.  Unfortunately, Ben was colder than a virgin’s tit going 0 for 6.  He was aided by several sweet drops by Santonio Holmes, who needs to learn if you’re gonna smoke the doobie before a game always try to catch the one in the MIDDLE.  At this point, the Steelers had about 30 yards rushing and were chucking the ball almost every play, even though the game was being played on a sloppy field in driving rain.

Then it finally happened. We had a Rashard Mendenhall sighting. Perhaps the fact Rashard is a Chi-Town native had something to do with him playing with fire in his belly and Ben Gay on his balls but he finally looked like a 1st round draft pick. First, he took a busted screen pass, reversed direction all the way across the field, and made a 2 yard loss into a 13 yard gain. Then he blew through a narrow gap for a beautiful 39 yard scamper. Of course, wily mastermind Bruce Arians immediately decided to stick him on the bench for the rest of the game.  COACHING GENIUS!

Big Ben dove for the endzone like it was filled with MILFs wearing cowboy hats and the Steelers were up 14-7. On their next possession, the Holmes-Roethlisberger magic suddenly reappeared as they moved deep into Bears territory, aided by some nice hard running from Regular Ass Speed Fast Willie Parker. The offense sputtered inside the Chicago 10, culminating with Ben refusing to part with his precious spicy ranch chulupa football and taking a horrendous ten yard sack. This set the stage for Skippy missing his first FG, a 38 yarder which should’ve been a lot shorter.

Skippy’s impotence not only disappointed a legion of female Steeler fans but re-energized the Fighting Cutlers. Prettyboy Jay machine gunned the ball down the field by massacring Tyrone Carter at every opportunity. My boy, look what they did to my boy! This, this is an insult (and a TD to tie the score) I won’t soon forget.

Still, we had Ben and Ben is money when the game is on the line. With 6 minutes left, the Steelers decided to go no-huddle and throw the ball a billion times. Mind you, at this point Mendenhall had gashed them, FWP was running well, and even Mewelde Moore had a couple nice carries.  The Steeler running game amassed 105 yards on 22 carries, an excellent 4.8 average.  However, ball control or any sort of successful football strategy is meaningless because it was CHUCK AND DUCK TIME, BABY!

Heatmiser only looks like Skippy. He actually loves towel dispensers and makes game-winning field goals.

To their credit, the Steelers managed to move the ball, albeit without milking time off the clock or showing an effective red zone offense. This gave Skippy the opportunity to shank a 43 yarder.  Hey, we still had our defense, right? They’ll hold and we’ll take our chances in OT.

Great plan, except this time our defensive awesomness backfired. James Harrison allegedly tomahawk chopped the ball out of Matt Forte‘s hands on a 12 yard screen pass, although I think Forte just heard Harrison growl and threw the ball to the turf so he could cover the fact he peed his pants. The ball rolled another 7 yards downfield because the ball was also afraid of what Harrison would do if he got his hands on it.  This allowed Gregg Olsen to pounce, turning what should have been a Steeler fumble recovery in a just and fair universe into a 20 something yard gain for the lucky Bears. A couple short gains later and Robbie Gould proved his kicking skills were more powerful than Skippy’s Axe body spray, booting  a 44 yarder to give Chicago the 17-14 victory.

Last week, all we talked about was why our running game stunk. This week, all I can wonder is why did we abandon the running game when it was working? Why is our secondary suddenly full of holes? Why does Ben take such terrible sacks? Why did Jay Cutler not get so much as a broken fingernail from our supposedly fearsome pass rushers? We only had 1 sack. ONE SACK!?! What are we, the Cleveland Browns? Yes, the game was close and yes, we had a chance to win but if anybody feels good coming off this performance, you’re far more optimistic than I.

The 53 man roster has finally been finalized. I know I promised an update on Friday, except I stupidly assumed the press conference scheduled by head coach Mike Tomlin was to be about the cuts.  Instead, he decided to announce he would make the announcement on Saturday.  Well played, Tomlin.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some of the notable additions and subtractions from the roster. You can find the complete list here. Without further ado, here are your brand new 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers:

Stefan Logan – Nicknamed “Joystick” by his teammates (shocking that wasn’t already taken by Santonio Holmes), Logan is by far the most exciting off-season acquisition for the Steelers.  This refugee from the CFL had some absolutely EPIC returns during the preseason. Logan’s final numbers were 5 kickoff returns for 185 yards and 9 punt returns for 191 yards and a touchdown.  If he can duplicate even a portion of that success during the season, we’ll all be thrilled.

Keiwan Ratliff - Veteran CB who provides some experience and depth to a very young group of defensive backs. Will.i.am Gay is only in his 3rd season (1st as a starter) and two of our backups are rookies. Another thing which helped him make the team is the fact he can play both CB and safety. Ratliff was a high 2nd round pick back in 2004 and it’d be nice if his play finally matches up to his potential.

Shaun McDonald – Another veteran who provides depth to a team fairly loaded at the WR position. McDonald caught a ton of balls during the preseason, demonstrating he is still a top notch possession receiver. He’ll be #4 on the depth chart, playing in a slot as an underneath option in a four WR formation. Limas Sweed has seemingly won the #3 receiver spot but McDonald is great insurance to have in case he struggles or one of the guys ahead of him suffers an injury.

Draft Class of 2009 - Defensive rookies seldom play their first season (Troy Polamalu only played special teams his rookie year) so don’t expect to see any of them this year.  Still, first rounder DE Ziggy Hood looked great and I think has a great career ahead of him. DBs Joe Burnett and Keenan Lewis showed a ton of potential even though two rookie DBs on your bench is a little scary.  OL Kraig Urbik showed little but our offensive line depth is paper thin so he stays.  Frank “The Tank” Summers also didn’t show much (he was injured early in camp) but there were flashes of being a good blocker so he’s now the team’s lone fullback. TE/FB hybrid David Johnson, a 7th round pick, made the team thanks to some decent blocking and an unfortunate season-ending injury to TE/FB Sean McHugh.

Now, let’s pour a forty on the ground and bid a fond farewell to the following players:

Carey Davis – The man who beat out Dan Kreider for the FB job in 2007 has thankfully been given the boot.  Clearly, the compromising photos he had of Mike Tomlin at a Furry Convention must have been lost in a fire or something. Davis won the job because he could supposedly catch, run, and block. In three years, he’s been barely used as a lead blocker, showed no ability as a short yardage back, and caught maybe a dozen or so balls. Good riddance.

Bruce Davis – Bad day to have the last name “Davis.” A UCLA grad (in other words, a douche), Davis was a third round pick in 2008. They projected him as a pass rushing LB but he never showed enough speed to beat anybody nor the strength to overpower them. Mark this one down as a bust and let’s move on.

Anthony Madison – Madison was a free agent this summer who was re-signed by the Steelers. I think they hoped with the departure of Bryant McFadden and the aging of Deshea Townshend, he might move up our CB depth chart. Unfortunately, we drafted two DBs and signed another (see above) and all of them played better than AMad during the preseason. Madison’s biggest contribution to the Steelers was as a gunner on special teams. To be fair, he was very good at covering kicks the past couple years. However, the Steelers couldn’t justify keeping a special teams specialist over guys who can cover kicks AND play their positions.

Finally, there are a couple notable names who did not make the main roster but cleared waivers and are now Practice Squad fodder.

A.Q. Shipley – One of only two 2009 draft picks to be cut (DE Sonny Harris, claimed by the Carolina Panthers, was the other).  Shipley was given every shot to make the main squad but he’s too undersized to compete at the NFL level.  Since there are many weight training techniques and *ahem* special vitamins athletes can take to bulk up, I guess the Steelers want to keep him around hoping he can eventually put on some size.  Shipley is a local kid and I’m sure we’d all like to see the local kid make the hometown team, even if he did play his college ball at Penn State.

Isaac Redman – The biggest surprise and, with the exception of Joystick, probably the star of the Steelers’ 2009 training camp.  Redman, an undrafted rookie, led the team with 145 rushing yards and three touchdowns this preseason.  He also put on a legendary performance during goal-line drills, scoring seven times against the Steelers first team defense to earn the nickname “Redzone” Redman.  Between Skippy, Big Snack, Silverback, and now Joystick, the Steelers lead the NFL in cool nicknames as well as Lombardi Trophies.

Hopefully some of the names mentioned here will help lead us to another.