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How would you like those pointed at you?

Evidently those tricky Washington Redskins use their cheerleaders for more than simple team spirit. It has been reported that the Redskins have their cheerleaders bend and stretch in the visitor’s tunnel prior to the start of each home game. Obviously they think the sight of scantily clad gals in compromising positions is enough to mentally throw their opponents off their game. Okay, it’d probably work on me.

I have to give Washington credit. No other team has thought to whore out their women like this. Sure, several use them as goodwill ambassadors within the community and several produce swimsuit or lingerie calendars but this is the first time I’ve heard of them being utilized as actual on-field weapons. I’d imagine the Philadelphia squad is also used as a distraction although they confine their work to the players’ hotel rooms and money usually changes hands afterwards.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. REDSKINS OFFENSE

First year head coach Jim Zorn has worked miracles with third year quarterback Jason Cambell. He’s adapted very well to the Seattle Seahawks style West Coast offense his coach brought with him. This is the offense that made a mediocre QB like Matt Hasselbeck into an All-Pro so it does have its advantages. The offense leans toward dinking and dunking and when it’s firing on all cylinders even the deep ball is working. So expect the typical WCO stuff, with zone run blocking, bootlegs, quick slants, etc.

Campbell has a big arm, pretty decent pocket presence, and is tough to bring down. Last year he struggled badly with his accuracy, particularly on short and intermediate passes and pretty much got by through throwing the ball to TE Chris Cooley or going deep. In fact, the Redskins didn’t have a wide receiver catch a touchdown until week 10. Fortunately, Campbell played in a West Coast offense in Auburn his final year and had a great season so people should’ve known he’d thrive in the new system. This year he’s the only full-time NFL starter to have not thrown a single interception.

Their playmaker on offense is Santana Moss. He still scares opposing D-Coordinators to death, but teams with somewhat disciplined Cover 2 packages can negate him. He has always had problems with staying healthy or he’d be talked about in the T.O. or Randy Moss category for sure. Old friend Antwaan Randle El is a mediocre threat at receiver and is best as the #3 guy who can return punts. I miss having him on the Steelers but they’re paying him #2/borderline #1 WR money for a guy not at that level. Both guys are threats on special teams which is worth noting as this week the Steelers are going with a good Polish boy by the name of Jared Retkofsky as their new long-snapper and allowing gimpy Mitch Berger to punt with a sore hammy. Hopefully these guys won’t factor in the outcome of the game.

The left side of the O-Line is extremely strong. I like to refer to Chris Samuels as the “Jay Bell of Left Tackles” as he’s not flashy nor does he have eye popping athleticism, but’s he’s just a great left tackle. Pete Kendall continues to be excellent and is a great technician. Randy Thomas is good if he’s healthy. He just doesn’t have that unbelievable athleticism, which prevents him from being the best guard in the business.

Last week, our run defense held strong against a very good ground team. Aaron Smith was his usual dominant run-stuffing self and the return of Fatboy Hampton helped clog up the middle. They’ll need another good game as the Redskins lean heavily on the run in the form of superstar RB Clinton Portis. One reason Campbell has managed to stay out of trouble this year is support on the ground. Remove that support and let’s see if the kid can carry the team all by himself.

Of course, the danger there is our secondary will be weaker than it has been all season. CB Bryant McFadden is still nursing his broken arm and S Ryan Clark is out indefinitely with a separated shoulder. The good news is Tyrone Carter will start in place of Clark, much to the chagrin of Anthony Smith. Somebody should tell Anthony that when it comes to starting for the Steelers, there are no guarantees. *cough*

STEELER OFFENSE vs. REDKSINS DEFENSE

In 2004 and 2005, the Skins blitzed an absurd amount of the time and it created a defense that reeked havoc on opposing offenses. Then in 2006 the Skins had to stop blitzing as the secondary was getting torched. In 2007, Gregg Williams went to an extremely conservative Cover 2 scheme with the safeties playing 20-25 yards away from the line of scrimmage. However, it worked out quite well as the Skins actually finished 14 spots higher in overall pass defense than in the previous year.

The Skins big problem on defense is their inability to sack the QB. They only had 19 sacks in 2006 and improved to 33 sacks in 2007. To that end, they made the trade to bring in Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor in order to provide even more firepower to an already stacked D-line. Unfortunately, spinning the babely Julianna Hough around and around must’ve taken too much out of ‘ol Jason because he’s battled injuries all season and is currently listed as doubtful for Monday.

That’s great news for the Steelers as without him, their pass rush goes from mediocre to almost non-existent. Pass protection, as we all know, is to the Steelers what Kryptonite is to Superman. With this match-up, there appears to be a good chance Ben Roethlisberger will have the time to give the field his usual thorough look-see before he decides to part with his precious football.

The Steelers expect Pothole Willie Parker to finally take the field after setbacks the past two weeks.  He’s practiced regularly this week and looks good to go.  The team seems to be hedging a bit on his return, likely due to the excellent work turned in by backup Mewelde Moore but the time has come for FWP to get back into the swing of things.

Also helping will be the return of WR Santonio Holmes. Holmes will be back in the starting lineup after being sat for a week over a bogus pot bust. What’s amazing to me, besides the hypocrisy of the situation, is that no other team sits their players over issues like that. The Jaguars started Matt Jones the same week he was inducted on COCAINE charges. Jerry Jones was happy to have Pacman take the field days after he beat up his babysitter. Damn those Rooneys and their morality.

Washington’s corners did pretty well against the #2 and #3 WRs, but finished 20th against #1 WRs last year. The starters are Fred Smoot and Shawn Springs. Springs should be fine, but he does have an injury history and is 34 years old. I’m not a big fan of Smoot and if they change the style of defense and have Smoot play further off the line of scrimmage it will be a disaster. Carlos Rogers is supposed to come back during the middle of the season after suffering a bad knee injury. Reed Doughty is serviceable, but they lose a lot of range with him in there in place of the late Sean Taylor. Laron Landry didn’t have the greatest pass defense statistics last year but he came along well as the season progressed and should be a keeper.

They say you can’t go home again. A cliché, sure, but that statement held true of the Washington Redskins under the return of legendary head coach Joe Gibbs.  After a quick playoff exit last year, Gibbs went back to cheating at Nascar.  It was thought that Gibb’s Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams would be the replacement, but he had burned some bridges with the higher ups and went to Jacksonville to take over the same position. The reality is that owner Danny Snyder wanted former Giants head coach Jim Fassel but Skins fans were outraged by the pick. The Skins then looked towards Steve Mariucci, who was also widely rejected by the fans. With no other options and Bill Cowher not interested in working for a tool, they wound up taking the man they hired as the offensive coordinator, Jim Zorn, gave him the “young brilliant assistant coach” line and made him the head coach.

On Monday night, I guess we’ll see how brilliant he actually is. Oh, and a few shots of the cheerleaders would be nice too.

William Clay Ford.  Mike Brown.  The Crypt Keeper Al Davis.  Daniel Snyder.  Jerry Jones.

What do these men have in common?

If you answered, “They should be locked in a shed because they’re a bunch of tools.” good job.  You win a cookie.   And not just any ordinary cookie.   A Louis Lipps’ Lipp-Smacker cookie.  Of course, I’ve been keeping that box in my Steeler Room since approximately 1988 so you might not want to actually eat it.  I leave the decision up to you.

The other correct answer to my original question is they’re all NFL owners.   And that is what I want to write about this week.  As fun as it is to talk smack about other cities and their pitiful teams, I would be negligent if I didn’t talk about a major situation happening with the Pittsburgh Steelers which reached a turning point last week.

The Rooney family rejected a $550 million dollar offer from New York billionaire Stanley Druckenmiller.  A recent article by Forbes Magazine assessed the value of the franchise at around $1 billion dollars.  Druckenmiller, chairmen of Pittsburgh-based Duquesne Capital Management, is worth around $4.5 billion, give or take a billion depending on how deeply the stock market crashes that day, so he wasn’t trying to be cheap.  For one, those valuations are based on paper and not real-life assets.  And secondly, he was only going to be buying a majority (about 75%) interest in the team, not the entire thing outright.

The Rooney Brothers are idiots.   This was about as perfect an opportunity to sell the team as they’re ever going to get.  The NFL wants the team’s ownership to be concentrated into fewer hands.  As most of the brothers have nothing to do with the football business, this was a chance for them to get out and turn a nice tidy profit at the same time.  Without sounding gloomy, they’re not young men.   Why not take the $140 million dollar pay off and live the rest of your life flying first class to Vegas, staying at the bowling alley penthouse at the Hard Rock, and doing shots off the leathery funbags of bleached-blonde Eagle Cheerleaders strippers?

Not to mention, if you’ve been following the news beyond the sports page, you might of heard that our economy is what financial experts call “sucking the big one.”  Things are not going to get better in the immediate future.   Yes, if the Steelers go up for sale, I’m sure bidders will line up.  But instead of a half dozen suitors, you might only have two.  And then there’s the danger of a Wayne Huzienga scenario.   Huzienga owned both the Miami Dolphins and the Marlins.  He spared no expense in assembling a championship team down in Florida.  Then his primary business, Blockbuster, went boom and the baseball team was basically gutted due to cash flow problems (ie having none).  Beyond that, if they wait until after the election it’s a no-win situation.  If McCain wins, the economy will likely continue its Republican induced slide; if Obama wins, the Democrats love taxing rich bastards.   So waiting until March ‘09 to sell the team might cost them untold millions they’d save by selling now.

I know you’re wondering why I care about this.  I don’t know Stanley Druckenmiller.  I’d like to, but only because anybody who paints his face black-and-gold and owns season tickets is my kind of guy.  If I saw him at a bar, well, I wouldn’t recognize him.  But if I did, I’d send him an Iron.  Or a shot of Cuervo.  Or a glass of Pinot Grigo.   Whatever rich bastards are drinking these days.

The main reason I wanted Druckenmiller to own the Steelers is this quote from him which appeared in the Post-Gazette following his failed bid:

But he said he never changed his bid, and was “disappointed” when it was finally turned down.

“I don’t like being in the press,” Mr. Druckenmiller said. “I really need to disappear again, and I need to start now.”

He doesn’t like publicity.  That is my kind of owner right there.   The absolute worst thing that could happen to the Pittsburgh Steelers is for them to be bought by one of these NFL owners who are nothing more than self-promoting jackasses.  Could you imagine a more terrible nightmare than to wake up and find our beloved team owned by Jerry Jones 2.0?

The Rooney family has long been recognized as not only the class of the NFL but one of the most respected owners in all of professional sports.  Their title is well-earned.  They are involved in the football operations but they don’t interfere with their football people.  They aren’t reactionary.  They don’t have hair-trigger tempers.   They are patient but not too patient.  They want to win and they expect to win and aren’t satisfied with anything but winning.  Putting a quality product out on the field is their primary concern.

This is a sharp contrast to the owners I mentioned above.  You can pretty much divide them into two groups.  The first is the Do-Nothing owners.   Mike Brown and WC Ford fall in this category.  These are the owners who we as Pittsburghers should be familiar with if we follow the Pittsburgh Pirates.  They subscribe to the Steve Miller school of management.  Which is to say, they take the money and run.  These owners, like the pillaging Bob Nutting, are perfectly happy to sit back, take the collective bargaining money the league doles out, and not put any of it into the on-field product.

As painful as it is to admit, the Bengals have had some talent the past few seasons.  Unfortunately, their owner hasn’t shown the slightest bit of interest in acquiring and/or keeping the pieces necessary to take the team to the next level.   And Lions GM Matt Millen must have pictures of Nana Ford fellating a young sheep while smothered in green gelatin to still have his job after compiling a 23-62 record under his “leadership.”

Opposite of the Do-Nothings are the Know-It-Alls.  These guys run their teams like they own a fantasy football franchise instead of a real one.  Guys like Al Davis or Jerry Jones continually stick their noses in the football side of the business, bringing in personnel they want, drafting players they want, or coaching from the owner’s box.  The worst of them all is Lil Danny Snyder, who every year goes out with his checkbook wide open and brings in every “name” he can find and then watches his team stumble to an 8-8 record when his Dr. Evil-esque plans fail.

Snyder’s foolishness reminds of a great Myron Cope story.  The ‘Skins were playing the Steelers back in 2000.  Cope (who was at least 70 at this time) kept referring to the Redskins as the “Wash Redfaces” Apparently, Snyder didn’t like this and sent someone to the Steelers radio booth to tell Cope to knock it off.

Legend has it Myron’s exact reply to said note was, “If the boy billionaire thinks he’s gonna shut me up, he can stick his head in a can of paint.”

If the mental image of a half drunk, chain-smoking, septugenerian Myron Cope pulling the punk card of the bigshot billionaire Daniel Snyder live on the air doesn’t make you smile, turn in your passport to Steeler Nation right now.

This story sums up my point better than I could.  Do we want that kind of owner?  Do we want somebody in the owner’s booth that Myron Cope would rather dunk in a bucket of glossy enamel than work for?   I don’t think Mr. Druckenmiller would’ve been and that’s why I wish he would’ve bought the team.   One things for sure, one day in the near future we’re going to wake up and find the team is in somebody else’s hands.

The Rooneys better know what they’re doing.

(Image courtesy of One From The Other Thumb)

Today, at approximately four o’clock in the afternoon, football season officially begins in western Pennsylvania. No longer will Pittsburgh have to suffer through yet another season of pitiful baseball, lousy management, and idiotic trades by our inept Pirates. Tucked safely along the rolling hills of Westmoreland County, the Pittsburgh Steelers will convene their 42nd training camp as the eyes of the Burgh’s true sports fans turn to their one true major league franchise. Until the Penguins drop the puck in Sweden at least.

Sure, the preseason is more or less a sham. A cheap ploy designed to give greedy owners four more games with which to line their pockets. And yes, the first real meaningful game won’t take place for more than a month. But that doesn’t matter to the members of Steeler Nation. We take our football seriously.

How serious, you may ask? Seriously enough that not dozens, not hundreds, but thousands of people will make a pilgrimage to Latrobe in order to stand around in 90 degree heat and watch sweaty behemoths do sit-ups. The preseason is usually a long-winded way of deciding who is going to be a team’s 5th receiver or what undrafted rookie will make it as a special teamer. The crazy thing about Steeler fans is we actually care about such things.

This will be Mike Tomlin’s second training camp as head coach. Let’s hope his decision making process has improved this year as he made several choices last year which turned out badly as the year played out. He decided that FB Carey Davis would supplant Dan Kreider, long considered one of the best blocking fullbacks in the league. His reasoning was Davis was more athletic and could catch the ball out of the backfield, which is great except Davis went on to catch a whopping total of 12 passes. Tomlin also claimed that good special teams would be one of his priorities and he’d work tirelessly to make sure we were solid in that area, even going so far as trading a draft pick for KR Allen “Fair Catch” Rossum. This resulted in the Steelers having one of the worst special teams units in the NFL.

The major undercurrent to this season is, of course, the very real possibility it will be the last under the ownership of the Rooney family. The Post-Gazette recently published an embarrassing article agreeing with Tomlin’s statement that the ownership situation might be “a distraction” to the players. Are they serious? That is the most laughable bit of excuse making I’ve ever heard. We all know the Pittsburgh media is in bed with the Steelers but at least try to be reasonable. If Big Ben launches a bomb down the sideline to a streaking Santonio Holmes, I very much doubt the ball will slip through his arms because he’s worried about who’ll sign his checks next year. I don’t think Mike Tomlin’s ability to analyze game tape on Tuesday morning will suffer because he’s depressed over strife in the Rooney family.

A few other notes of interest:

–Diane Battiste Zinkham passed away at the age of 62. She was a major part of our cheerleading team, the Steelerettes, from 1961-70. Take note, Cowboy fans, the Steelers and the Cleveland Browns were the first two NFL teams with cheerleading squads. Which I guess means we were the first NFL team with attractive cheerleaders.

–Bret “Look at me! Look at me!” Favre is threatening to report to Green Bay Packers camp, whether they want him or not. He’s quickly turning into the Bill Murray character from the movie “What About Bob?”

–Pittsburgh native Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor was traded to the Washington Redskins.

–Top draft picks Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed are signed, sealed and delivered. Sweed has a four year deal for some undisclosed amount. Mendenhall is inked for five years/$12.55 million. He’ll likely use some of that money to replace the cell phone and Rolex that got jacked when he was mugged up in Chicago.

–Finally, also on the sad news front, Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch lost his battle with cancer at the age of 47. This doesn’t have much to do with football, although one of his final wishes was granted when the Steelers invited him to participate in training camp last year. I am a CMU graduate and although I didn’t have any classes with Professor Pausch, I recall reading about him and his accomplishments while there. That he inspired so many people during his remaining years is something nobody should ever forget.