Snoop Dogg's a fanizzle of the Black & Gizzle

Camp can’t begin soon enough for the NFL, and it isn’t any clearer when one watches NFL Total Access these days.  Access’ latest guest was none other than Long Beach’s Calvin Broadus, Jr…. better known as Snoop D-O-Double G.  If you didn’t know this already, Snoop’s a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  He’s been known to hang around players from time to time and has even been snapshotted with Mike Tomlin.  Awesome.  I actually really like Snoop Dogg – at least when I was in college trying to no look too awkward while dancing next to a couple of girls with a beer in my hand in some frat basement.  He’s a cool guy and certainly has garnered an affinity with people young and my age with his music from over the years and random appearances at concerts, etc.

Back to the present topic, Snoop Dogg was on Access to give a little advice to the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Rooney’s regarding (now holdout) Mike Wallace: Pay the man.

‘Hey, Rooney, man get ya’ll things together, pay the man…. I know he ain’t proven, three, four years in the game, but we need him.  You tell me somebody else that do what he do.  We need him, get it together ya’ll, go and have that conversation and the get the apples and oranges together so we can move on.’

While I appreciate Snoop’s enthusiasm, I think he should leave the business of football to the Colbert & Co.  Unless that is of course he’s willing to hand over a large chunk of his own Benjamins to pay Wallace what the Steelers can’t afford.  Wallace is not proven as Snoop points out, so why should Wallace get top dollar?  Wallace ranked 11th among receivers in yards last season, yet he wants Top 5 money.  The current economic state of the Steelers and the salary cap does not allow for Wallace to even get that Top 5 money.

So I propose this.  Rather than calling out the owner of an organization you love, maybe you could help out the team of which you love so much.  I propose that Snoop call up Wallace and tell him to sign the tender of $2.7 million.  Then, Snoop can work out his own deal with Wallace to pay him the difference of what Wallace would want for that long term deal.  Seems fair enough to me – he’s got the money.

Maybe that’s his plan.  Maybe if Wallace signs that tender in the next few days somebody should ask him if he’s getting a side deal from anywhere…. or anyone.

Before the season started, I developed this theory known as the “Fab Four.” Basically, since 2000 there have been 28 teams that have made the playoffs despite having a losing record the previous season. In fact, since 2000, four teams a year have made the playoffs despite a losing record the prior season, except for 2001 (3 teams) and 2002 (5 teams). It’s pretty much a given that four playoff teams each year will make the playoffs despite a losing record the season beforehand. However, there was a caveat to this year. In 2006 there were only 12 teams with a losing record. Thus, I believed that it was less likely the “Fab Four” would happen this year and modified my theory to predict 3 teams with losing records in 2006 would make the playoffs this year. I chose Tampa Bay, Houston, and San Francisco to accomplish this feat.

I bring this up because, as you can see, I was 1 for 3. This level of Prognostication Proficiency is about how well I did on the Highway to Ham. For the newer readers, the Highway to Ham is a group of about two dozen of us at work who compete in a weekly not-for-profit football poll where the cumulative results are tallied at the end of the season and the victor is awarded a trophy in the form of a Jack Ham rookie card. Needless to say, if you bet your college education funds according to my picks, I hope you enjoy your upcoming semester at Allegheny Community College.

Still, since the Steelers have lamentably been bounced from the post season tournament, I figured I might as well chip in with a few picks for this week’s Divisional Playoff games.

Patriots over Jaguars – The Jags were exposed more last week than Britney’s crotch was in 2007. Jacksonville is a great running team with a mediocre quarterback and suspect secondary. Not exactly the recipe for beating the Patriots. Bill Belichick’s deal with Satan ensures them at least a shot at 18-0 next week.

Colts over Chargers – I’m tempted to take the Bolts here since Peyton Manning has a history of struggling in first-round playoff games and the team has to shake off the rust of not playing any meaningful football for almost three weeks. However, I just can’t ride with Phillip Rivers, who’s only consistency is his tendency to be wildly inconsistent. Where would San Diego be if they had taken Ben Roethlisberger or decided to keep Drew Brees?

Packers over Seapigeons – You see, Bret Farve is the greatest player ever in the history of football, sports, pretty much any athletic competition there is, was, or ever will be. Bah gawd, Brett Farve will chuck that pigskin because if anyone could make a pass like that, it is the one and only Bret Farve. Did I mention that Bret Farve is the greatest quarterback ever and he, and only he alone, is capable of going out there with his gunslinger mentality and firing footballs into itty bitty spaces where other knock-kneed quarterbacks fear to tread? Plus, he’ll being throwing these passes at Lambeau Field, the greatest stadium ever, so it is inevitable his passes will be complete and go for many many touchdowns!

Just getting you warmed up for what you should expect to hear from the announcers this weekend. Verbally fellating Bret Favre has become our new national pastime.

New York Football Giants over Cowboys – Dallas QB Tony Romo made news this week for vacationing in Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I think because of those two large yet perky distractions, the G-Men will be able to pull off the upset. Plus, Dallas has already beaten the Giants twice this year. Call it a case of tit for tat.

Welcome to the first installment of the Highway To Ham. This will be my weekly segment where I talk a little about this week’s games, share my insights, and give you my picks. Hey, every NFL show does it, why shouldn’t we? Besides, I’m currently way ahead of Dan Marino on the “Beat The Hosts” website so I believe my system works. Watch out Collingsworth, I’m on your ass!

As a note, the column is called “Highway To Ham” because my friends and I at work run our very own inter-office *ahem* not-for-profit betting pool. In addition to *ahem* no profit, the overall winner at the end of the year receives an autographed Jack Ham rookie card. How’s that for a trophy?

On to the picks:

Bucs over Cards – The two-headed QB monster Wisenhunt concocted was stupid. Leinart had mostly looked awful while Warner was looking like his old 1999-with-the-Rams self. Then Leinart went down and Warner went back to being his post-2000 self. The Bucs pass defense hasn’t looked good this year but Garcia is a warrior and I don’t see him letting the Bucs lose three in a row.

Titans over Panthers – I think it’s kind of funny that the most respect that Vinny Testeverde has gotten from fans his entire career is for his ability to come off the couch and still play at his age. *Sigh* I remember the good old days when he was one of the most despised QBs (even by his own fans) in the history of football. Tennessee wins ugly, but they win.

Lions over Broncos – Lions QB John Kitna attended the team’s annual Halloween Party dressed as Joe Cullen. Cullen, you may recall, was the O-line coach who got suspended by the league for going through a McDonald’s drive-thru while not wearing any pants (I suppose there’s a “Special Sauce” joke to be made here but I’ll refrain in the name of good taste). This officially makes Kitna the Coolest Man Alive. His costume sure beats the hell out of this guy’s mediocre effort. Where’s the spit, the drool, the slobber?

Bengals over Bills – The aptly named J.P. Losman gets the start for the Bills this week. It amazes me how some teams spend years and years “grooming” quarterbacks who never accomplish anything. How long was Tom Brady groomed? How about Ben? If you don’t win early, you’re never gonna win.

Chargers over Vikings – Adrian Peterson might as well start signing his checks “Rookie of the Year” right now. Unfortunately, he’s all the Vikings have. And San Diego is pretty good at stopping the run. If AP is on your fantasy team, prepare to be disappointed.

49ers over Falcons – Ladies and gentlemen, Trent Dilfer blows. He’s blown in the past and he will continue to blow in the future. He was saved from Rex Grossmanism by one season, where he still blew, but because the team around him was unbelievable (Priest Holmes was a freaking backup, for crying out loud), people still say things like “he’s a pretty good backup to have on your team.” No, he blows. Thankfully, Alex Smith is starting for the Niners this week.

Redskins over Jets – Kellen Clemens starts for the Jets this week so now the only question in NY will be “Does Pennington have the arm strength to hold his clipboard?” The ‘Skins will be angry after last week’s pasting by the Pats so this one might get ugly.

Packers over Chiefs – I like Bret Favre and all but after last Monday night, I hope they never show another Green Bay game as long as Favre is there. It’s like they’re trying to make me hate him with the endless praise and the Deanna Favre love poem that almost sent me into a diabetic coma. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when Berman said a few Sundays ago, “You can’t hate Brett Favre, it’s like hating America!” Well, I love America. I love apple pie. I even voted for Lynn Swann. So I’m picking the Pack.

Jaguars over Saints – Quinn Gray is undefeated as a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’m riding that horse until it drops.

Browns over SeaPigeons – Derek Anderson should change his name to Peyton Brady because he’s the best QB in the league outside of the Big Two. The SeaPigeons start Charlie Frye, who the Steelers slapped around and ran out of town in week one. Besides, as much as I hate Cleveland, I love seeing Holgrem lose.

Raiders over Texans– The Matt Schaub Lovefest is over in Houston. The Daunte Culpepper Abusive Relationship is over in Oakland. Since Josh McKown is better than Sage Rosenfels, I’ll go with the Raiders.

Cowboys over Eagles – The judge in one of the drug arrests of Andy Reid’s two boys described the Reid household as “a drug emporium.” I am shocked, SHOCKED I SAY, that two fine young men like the Reid brood could get mixed up in such unsavory business as smack and cocaine while living in such a fine, clean, friendly, safe, family-oriented city as Philadelphia.

And that’s it for…oh wait. I think there’s one more game this week.

SUPER BOWL XLI ½

Colts over Patriots – This one is impossible to pick so I’m forced to consider the intangibles. Tom Brady used to date actress Bridget Moynahan. Peyton Manning used to date country-western singer Kenny Chesney. Advantage: Pats. Tony Dungy used to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Bill Belichek used to be a documentary filmmaker. Advantage: Colts. I say flip a coin and take your pick. Just remember to take the over.