But do they have kung fu grip?

Blah blah blah went Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin at his weekly grab bag of lies press conference.   At this point, Tomlin’s endless droning must sound like Charlie Brown‘s schoolteacher to his players.  It’s not as if they have to worry about repercussions for angering their coach.   After promising “schematic and personnel” changes last week, he delivered the exact same game plan and exact same lineup that has been sucking for over a month now.  Guess he never heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.

Tomlin did speak the truth in one regard.   This week’s opponent, the Green Bay Packers, are not to be taken lightly.  In fact, they trajectory of their season has been the polar opposite of the Steelers.  Where we started great then crashed with a THUD, the Pack had a tough start but have rebounded to win five straight.  GB is a tough, hungry, balanced team deep in the thick of the NFC Wild Card race.

The Pack went 6-10 last year through no fault of the offense, which averaged nearly four touchdowns a game.  In his first season at QB, Aaron Rodgers ran the show with confidence and precision.   He’s continued his superior play into this season, where his 25 TDs against only 7 INTs have cemented him as an emerging superstar.  Rodgers is helped by having two All-Pro caliber wideouts in Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, either of whom can be counted on to break a game open.  To add some balance, RB Ryan Grant is an effective downhill-style runner.  As Tomlin pointed out, their offensive line was a horror show early in the season but those issues seem to have dissipated lately as some of their injured OL returned to the starting lineup.

In other words, I’m not exaggerating when I say this is probably the most dangerous offense we’ll face this season.

Naturally, the fact that our secondary is absolutely pathetic doesn’t bode well for the Black and Gold.  One could hope inclimate weather at Heinz Field would help the home team although I doubt Green Bay is going to be caught off-guard by poor weather.  Or we could hope the Packers line regresses to early season form allowing James Harrison and company to tee off on him.  The problem there is Rodgers has shown good instincts and a quick release in addition to having 1,000 yard rusher Grant to fall back on.  Honestly, with Will.i.am Gay completely sucking and Ike Taylor phoning it in, if Rodgers doesn’t throw for at least 350 yards I’ll be shocked.

I hope Ryan Clark reads this post.  Feel free to print it out and tack it up on the team bulletin board for extra motivation, Ryan.  I’m here for you, man.

Last season, Green Bay had the Origami Curtain as they lost six games which they led in the fourth quarter. So they did what any team with a terrible defense would do, they hired a former Steelers defensive coordinator.  Dom Capers, who directed a #1 ranked Steeler D to Super Bowl XXX, installed a 3-4 scheme featuring a lot of gap control and zone blitzes.   They went out and used two first round draft picks on DT BJ Raji and LB Clay Matthews to augment this new scheme.  Both players have responded by having fantastic rookie campaigns.

Although no one is having a better year than CB Charles Woodson.  Woodson is the likely front runner to succeed Silverback as NFL Defensive Player of the Year.   He plays corner but has the size and physicality of a safety.  He currently has eight interceptions, two sacks, four forced fumbles, and has made 61 tackles.  In other words, Ben Roethlisberger would be wise to stay away from him or mush brain will add yet another drive-killing Pick Six to his resume.

On offense, the Steelers will be without LG Chris Kemoeatu.  Kemo played hurt last week which could be why our pass protection stunk except most of the stench came from the right side of Justin Hartwig, Trai Essex, and Willie Colon.  Still, Kemo’s been our best run blocking linemen and probably the best all-around performer which admittedly isn’t saying much.  His absence will be felt on the whopping 10-15 running plays Bruce Arians forces himself to call every game.

Hines Ward, who was limping badly and largely ineffective last week, practiced and is expected to play.   I admire the man’s grit and determination but I don’t see what he’s accomplishing by playing hurt other than showing his teammates how much gutsier he is than Whiny Ben.   Then again, 50% of Hines is probably preferable to 100% of Limas Sweed.   I concentrate on our passing game because lord knows no matter how much I scream and hollar about Stillers Football, we all know Big Ben will be chucking the ball 40+ times on Sunday.   As soon as the Pack hits one big play down the field, Arians will push the panic button and roll out the Flying Circus.  You know it, I know it, and I’m sure Green Bay knows it.

In fact, I’m sure they’re counting on it.

Beyond that, there’s isn’t much to say about this game.   You have two teams headed in total opposite directions.  By the law of averages, you’d think maybe a team that has lost five straight is due for a win while a team that has won five in a row is due for a loss.  But that assumes the Steelers are an average team.  At this point, all evidence points to contrary.

Lost amidst the hoopla of the Ben Roethlisberger lawsuit was some genuinely great news for one of the finest Pittsburgh Steelers of all time.

Rod Woodson, a ten year starter at cornerback for the Steelers, was inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame on Saturday.

Woodson is the career leader in interceptions returned for touchdown.  He also holds the record for most career interception return yardage.  Deion who?   Woodson was the 1993 NFL Defensive Player of The Year for yet another Steeler defense ranked 1st overall in the league, an 11 time Pro Bowler, and was named to the NFL’s 75th anniversary team back in 1994 while he was still playing.  Rod was the Steelers 1987 1st round draft pick (10th overall) out of Purdue.  He played fantastic cornerback while here and distinguished himself as a dynamic return man.  Also, Woodson’s All-Star Grill down at Station Square had some of the best hamburgers you’ve ever tasted.

Perhaps Woodson’s greatest moment as a Steeler occurred in 1995.  Ironically, that was also the beginning of the end of his career in the Black and Gold.  Week one against the Detroit Lions, Woodson squared to tackle RB Barry Sanders.  Sanders juked him out of his jock (which he did to pretty much everybody) and when Rod planted his foot to change direction, it got caught in the artificial turf at Three Rivers Stadium.  He tore his ACL to hell and needed immediate reconstructive surgery.  The Steelers rallied, managing to make it all the way to Super Bowl XXX that season.  Miraculously, Woodson managed to rehab his knee sufficiently to play nickelback in the soul-crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys.  Yes, he tore his ACL and come back to play in the same season.

Woodson’s speed was unbelievable as he’d routinely let wide receivers go past him to play the run or fool the quarterback into thinking his man was open and then he’d come out of nowhere to close on the receiver when he saw where the ball was going.  Unfortunately, players seldom heal completely from an ACL tear so when he tried doing this the next year, he didn’t have that same freaky closing speed and would get beat on bombs.  The Steelers wanted to move him to safety but he allegedly refused, resulting in a not so pleasant divorce.  Sadly, we had to watch as one of our greatest players and probably the best pure athlete to ever don the Black and Gold leave for the 49ers, Ravens (where he helped them win a Super Bowl.  You’re welcome, Ratbirds), and finally the Raiders.

Regardless of where his career ended or the bad feelings he may have had over how his departure from Pittsburgh was handled, Rod has always stated he remains a Steeler at heart.  He’s made peace with the Rooneys and talked openly of the admiration he has for both them and his original team.  In fact, he said in several interviews that if a player had to pick one team jersey/helmet to wear on their Hall of Fame bust, he’d pick the Steelers.

You can watch his entire Hall of Fame induction speech here.

Congratulations, Rod.  Your #26 jersey still hangs proudly in my closet.  And now your name hangs proudly among the greatest players to ever play the game.  Steeler Nation thanks you for the memories.

Strippers beware! Hide your tassels and clear plastic shoes ‘cause Pacman and his Dallas Cowboys are coming to town.

Last year, Dallas had a fantastic regular season, going 13-3, churning out 13 Pro Bowlers, and earning postseason home field advantage only to have all their work undone by QB Tony Romo, a large breasted blonde, and an ill-timed trip to Cabo.  I can relate.

The Cowboys returned stating emphatically on their nauseating “Hard Knocks” series that this year it’s Super Bowl or Bust. But with Terrell Owens being a black hole of team chemistry, Tony Romo’s lack of intestinal fortitude, Wade Phillips looking over his shoulder at coach-in-waiting Jason Garrett, and Pacman Jones being Pacman Jones, the Cowboys are on the outside looking in as all the adversity may be too much for a good team to reach the zenith of professional football.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. COWBOYS OFFENSE

Under the watchful eye of owner/self-promoting jackass Jerry Jones, the Cowboys built an offense which relies heavily on strong-armed QB Romo getting the ball down the field to their big play WRs. Unfortunately, he didn’t account for injuries (a QB being injured in the NFL? SHOCKING!). When Romo went down with a sissy pinky injury, which man-sized QBs like Bret Favre play through but is evidently too crippling for GQ to tolerate, their offense collapsed.

Luckily, Romo is back and seems to have recovered well enough to return the offense to their previous high scoring ways. The big change in offensive philosophy under Phillips was the team going from the Parcells’ theory of controlling the clock to Garrett’s philosophy of trying to score as much as you can as often as you can. Again, a crucial mistake as had they kept a running back centered attack, perhaps they wouldn’t have been stuck behind the 8 Ball when their QB went down.

They have an excellent back in Marion Barber. Of course, their concern was Barber was never a featured back and that his straight-up running style will lead to injuries. That’s why they drafted Felix Jones to take some of the load off, until he went down with a season-ending injury. The concerns about Barber were unfounded until last week when he left the Thanksgiving game with an injured pinky toe. Yep, we’re dealing with a bunch of badasses here, folks.

He’s supposed to play but how effective he’ll be on a gimpy foot when healthy backs can’t do anything against the Steelers stingy run D is a good question. Barber is similar to Brandon Jacobs and the Steelers did a pretty good job on him so stopping another big bruising back probably isn’t a concern.

If you’re going to stop Dallas, you have to remember ABC: Always Be Covering. Patrick Crayton is more of a #3 WR but was elevated to #2 with the exit of Terry Glenn. Realizing their mistake, Jones rescued Roy Williams from that barren wasteland known as Detroit. Out of the approximately 73 WRs the Lions have drafted in the first round, Williams is actually pretty talented although hasn’t made much impact as of yet. When he gets enough reps with Romo, he will be dangerous. Even their 4^th receiver, Miles Austin, is dangerous because he’s got great size (6’3”) and legit 4.3 speed. Not to mention TE Jason Witten had his best year as a pro in 2007, both in pass receiving and blocking.

Can’t See Me Ike Taylor has been the textbook definition of a Shutdown Corner this season, stifling Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, and T.J. Houshalottaletters among others. T.O. hasn’t really had a T.O.-like season this year but he or any of the Dallas receiving corps can strike at any moment so it’ll be up to our entire secondary to be on their game. I’m pretty sure our 122 pass yards/game average will go up even if everybody plays well but if Ike, Deshea Townshend, and returning Bryant McFadden can prevent the big play, they will have done their job.

Tony Romo takes a lot of crap for his goofy personality and diddling of various blonde bimbos but he’s played very well since taking over the team in 2006. In his 28 starts going into this season, he had 19 games of 90+ QB rating and leads the league in QB rating this year. Of course, the Steelers have faced the 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th rated passers this season all exited the game broken shells of what they once were. His biggest asset is his pocket presence and accuracy, especially on some of the longer throws. However, he does have a Favreian gunslinger streak which means he tends to gamble and will throw interceptions. He’s also been a bit of a fumbler, especially when he steps up into the pocket, as his ball-handling skills are much like his taste in women; fast and loose. The hellacious Steeler pass rush will need to create havoc in their backfield since the game will turn on whether they can create some turnovers.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. COWBOY DEFENSE

There were much bigger changes on defense being made last year, although most didn’t know it because they kept the 3-4 scheme. The big difference was going from a traditional 2 gap 3-4 scheme to a 1 gap 3-4 scheme that Phillips has used since coaching under his father Bum. The 2 gap scheme is mainly there for stopping the run while the 1 gap scheme is there for attacking the quarterback.

Defensive Coordinator Brian Stewart was under fire during the Cowboys swoon, which led to Wade Phillips allegedly taking over more of the play calling duties. It’s hard to know for sure but the Cowboys went from blitzing 18% of the time under Brian Stewart to 28% of the time in recent weeks so I’m sure there’s some influence by Wade Phillips. While others may get more credit, I think it’s arguable that Wade Phillips may be second to only our legendary Dick Lebeau in terms of being the best D-Coordinator at concocting a pass rush.

His defenses have averaged 45 sacks a season over his 21 year coaching career. Dallas went from 34 sacks in 2006 to 46 in 2007 following his arrival. All of this spells bad news for the Steelers as the one Kryptonite this team has is teams which can get after the QB. The O-line handled a decent San Diego D and totally stymied Belichick’s goon squad so they’ve played better in recent weeks although the pass rushing talent increases exponentially here.

DeMarcus Ware is an absolute beast. He had 14 sacks last year and got screwed on 3 sacks that were called back by calls that the league later apologized for blowing. He struggles a tad in run defense and sometimes over commits trying to get to the passer so one of the Steelers best weapons might be screen passes and draws to Mewelde Moore. He also tweaked something on Thanksgiving, perhaps his big toe, but he is also apparently good to go and it’ll be a huge challenge for either Max Starks or Willie Colon to handle him one-on-one.

Opposite of Ware is Greg Ellis, another accomplished pass rusher. His problem is that he’s horrible in coverage and struggles against the run as an outside linebacker. Miami Dolphin refugee Zach Thomas fills a need because he’s excellent in pass coverage and is a magnet to the ball carrier although he’s getting older and not quite what he once was. This is a very talented LB corps and O-Coordinator Bruce Arians better be coming up with some plans to counteract the pressure they can bring. A good healthy ground game is vital at preventing these guys from pinning their ears back and coming at Ben Roethlisberger full bore.

The greatest defensive weakness on the Cowboys is their secondary. Terence Newman is their best player but he’s been injured for much of the season with groin and abdominal pulls. He’s played recently but the injuries have hampered some of his effectiveness as last year he was one of the best CBs in the league. Mike Jenkins on the other side has been pretty awful. They try to cover for him by rotating coverage but he’s a target anytime he’s one-on-one. Roy Williams and Ken Hamlin are below average in the safety spots. Pacman Jones returns from Last Chance #28 so he should get a good chunk of playing time in the nickel. To be honest, Pacman was an emerging superstar in Tennessee but what I’ve seen of him this year hasn’t impressed me at all. He’s better than your average NFL corner but he’s nowhere near the level he played at before he decided to Make It Rain.

If the line manages to rise up, or the offense can put forth a running attack which forces them to back off, Big Ben could have a very good day throwing the ball against this secondary. Even Arians’ beloved long passes wouldn’t be a bad gamble as anything is possible against this group. I’d look for TE Heath Miller and WR Hines Ward to be the go-to guys early as they work the middle of the field in short possession type throws. But a patented long bomb to Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington would be nice.

Trying to put my bias aside, Dallas is obviously a talented team. Their offense is strong and their defense is solid. They could easily be one of those teams which goes on a hot streak toward the end of the year and then plows through everybody on their way to a Super Bowl victory. But they could just as easily implode as the strong personalities and precarious injury situations have them always on the precipice of disaster. Last week, the Steelers dealt a potentially fatal blow to the Patriots playoff hopes. Nothing would be sweeter than to give Dallas a little taste of that same Black and Gold poison.

As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.