Every spring, there comes a wonderful day when the Pittsburgh Steelers announce their schedule for the upcoming season.  I have a ritual where I first scan the list for any of our most hated rivals (Patriots, Iggles, Cowboys).  Then I go through each game and mentally evaluate my team’s chance of victory.  Of course, this is not an exact science as my preliminary prediction of going 15-1  in 2009 demonstrates.

I bring this up because when I saw the Minnesota Vikings on this year’s schedule, I immediately marked that one down as a W.  At the time, the Vikings were being quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson.  The only time Jackson was able to drive the team downfield was when the ball was snapped, he took three steps backwards, handed it off superstar RB Adrian Peterson, and stood there as Purple Jesus bulldozed over the opposing defense.  I figured the Steelers would feast on this one-dimensional team.

Enter Brett Favre.  Favre had retired for third or fourth time (I lost track) but this time it appeared he really had thrown his last NFL interception pass.  Unfortunately, as spring turned to summer and summer into fall, the Favre Saga took on more TWISTS than a M. Night Shyamalan movie.  Until, finally, the dust settled and Favre was the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.

I should have known better.  I am a movie buff, after all.  What is the first rule of the horror movie?   The bad guy never dies!   Every time you think they’re finished, they pop back up to menace the nerdy kid with a heart of gold and big-breasted yet misunderstood cheerleader one last time before the credits roll.  And for those of us who are sick and tired of Favre and his wishy-washy attention whoring ways, the entire Favre Saga was nothing if not a horror movie.

Which reminded me, Halloween is right around the corner.  I was going to do a post suggesting appropriate costumes for our favorite Steelers.   You know, LaMarr Woodley as the Invisible Man, Santonio Holmes as Dirk Diggler, Skippy Reed as Lindsay Lohan.  Then I watched Friday The 13th and it dawned on me, Favre doesn’t just remind me of Jason Voorhees.  He IS Jason..

Let’s look at the ways each have come back from the dead.  In the original film, Jason doesn’t really “die”  but he is supposedly already dead, having drowned as a child attending Camp Crystal Lake.  In Part II, the stupid oversexed pot-smoking teenagers think he’s dead after driving a machete though his shoulder, only to watch him come back for one final surprise.  In Part III, an axe to the head fails to stop him, although it does leave him with a splitting headache.  Thank you, I’m here all week.  The Final Chapter (an underrated gem, in my opinion), he’s once again hacked with his own machete.  Jason Lives sees him sort of drown, although his dramatically clenched fist in the final shot indicates more mayhem to come.  Jason Takes Manhattan sees the toxic waste in a New York sewer fail to stop him.  Next time, try using the “food” sold at one of Manhattan’s toxic hot dog vendors.   You get the point.

Now let’s look at Favre’s “resurrections.”   He was originally drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, who allowed him to waste away on the bench.  He was saved when the Packers traded for him.  He eventually took over as their starter, leading them to their best record in 30 years.  He also developed an addiction to painkillers and alcohol.  Vicodin is a bad drug, folks (except when it’s really really good).  Checking into rehab was, in essence, another comeback.  Years later, Hurricane Katrina blew through Mississippi, causing extensive damage to his home.  Favre seriously contemplated taking a year off so he could be there to shake their hands, to be there to share the land, I’m talkin’ ’bout together now!  He played anyway.

That year, the Packers took Aaron Rodgers with their first round pick.  Thus began the annual “Will he retire?” idiocy.  In 2007, Favre had one of his best seasons ever, leading the Pack within a game of the Super Bowl.  The Packers rewarded him by jettisoning him in favor of Rodgers.  Favre announced his retirement.  Two months later, he un-retired to play for the New York Jets.  Those toxic sewer hot dogs weakened Favre as a hot start quickly fizzled into a disappointing injury-plagued year.  The Jets released Brett and he retired again.  This time, he stayed on the shelf for close to four months before un-retiring to suit up for the Vikes.

By my count, Jason has come back from the dead something like fourteen times.  Favre, on the other hand, has made around eight figurative or literal comebacks.  Advantage Voorhees.  However, Brett has also made 271 consecutive starts.  Jason has only made 11 movies, 12 if you count that hideous Freddy Vs. Jason crapfest.  Advantage Favre.  Hopefully when Friday the 13th comes this Sunday the 25th that advantage won’t be enough to deny the Steelers the victory I predicted for them many months ago.

In 1985, the Chicago Bears won their one and only Super Bowl Championship.  One of the stars of that team was a 370 pound defensive tackle named William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  In addition to playing on one of the greatest defenses of all-time, Perry was also used as a fullback in short-yardage situations.  He even scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl.  The combination of his size, affable personality, and versatile play transformed The Fridge into a pop culture icon.

Also during the 80′s, one of the most popular afternoon cartoons was G.I. Joe.  Until Hollywood decided to bastardize my childhood by turning it into a crappy movie, G.I. Joe was among my all-time favorites.  I read the comic books, watched the show, and bought every toy that came out.  I even sent away for the figures you could only get via mail order.

One of those figures was a special edition William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  Yes, The Fridge was a member of G.I. Joe.  As you can see by the picture above, they did a pretty nice job of capturing his likeness.  Although I was always perplexed by his choice of weapons, which appears to be a football on a stick.  I realize Cobra was a gang of idiots who couldn’t shoot straight but is the best way to combat laser fire really a FOOTBALL ON A STICK!?!?

Anyway, this got me to thinking.  If G.I. Joe came out today and they wanted to make a football player their newest recruit, who would they pick?  Of course, I’m sure they’d choose a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers because that is by far the most popular and successful team in the NFL.  The only question is who?

Let’s take a look at some possibilities:

Ben Roethlisberger – If you’re familiar with the G.I. Joe cartoon, you know that every episode followed pretty much the same pattern.  The good guys were cruising along, then the evil Cobra would strike back, backing the Joes against a wall.  Then, as time was about to expire on the free world, the Joes would mount a furious comeback to deal their enemy a decisive defeat.

Who’s better at engineering a comeback than Big Ben?

The only downside to this choice is the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  I’d be a little worried about Ben getting fresh with some of his fellow Joes.

Dick LeBeau - G.I. Joe is America’s daring, highly trained special mission force.  As a military outfit, they need strong leadership to create strong plans of attack.   Who devises more ingenious strategies than Dick LeBeau?

Fast Willie Parker – He’s strong, fast, and extremely tough.  Although the one downside is he’d probably keep getting caught behind the enemy line.

James Harrison - I’m not sure what physical skills he’d bring to the table besides the obvious of being a world class athlete.  I’d just pick him ’cause he scares the bejeezus out of me.  I don’t know for a fact but I’d wager he has “BMF” stamped somewhere on his wallet.

Casey Hampton - Somebody has to carry the heavy artillery.  Although I do worry about him making it through boot camp.  If he thought Mike Tomlin liked wind sprints, wait until he met his drill instructor.  Hey, I’ve seen Full Metal Jacket.

However, all the Joes had really cool codenames like Tripwire, Mainframe, Chuckles, and Quick Kick.  You can’t deny “Big Snack” would be a fitting addition to that list.  I also considered Skippy Reed for this slot but I seriously doubt he’d be able to pass the V-D test.

Now, making a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers a member of G.I. Joe may seem like a crazy idea.  And maybe it is.  But I am on the right track.  You see, during the 80′s, every Joe figure came with a card that gave their biographical information.  One of the figures was said to hail from Pittsburgh.  What was his codename?

How are you spending your Fourth of July?

Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher is visiting Iraq with three other current and former NFL head coaches. I have to give the Chin credit, he’s a braver man than I. I’m sure the security surrounding guest celebrities is ultra-tight but it’s still a war zone. Not to mention if they were to come under sniper fire, Cowher’s blindingly white teeth would reveal his position immediately.

While over in Iraq, the honor and loyalty of our troops has evidently rubbed off on Benedict Bill. The whistle-cranker was so moved by the sea of Terrible Towels which greeted him at every stop that he declared Iraq officially a part of Steeler Nation.

While I agree with the sentiment, Carolina Cowher evidently forget he no longer represents Steeler Nation. He forfeited that right when he sided against the Pittsburgh Penguins during the Stanley Cup playoffs. But I’ll put aside my petty grievances for today, it being a holiday and all. Happy Independence Day to everyone and especially to all my readers in the military. I hope this blog provides you with a little entertainment and a little piece of home while you’re stationed overseas.  We appreciate all you do to serve and protect our cowardly asses back home.

Now let’s all celebrate like true yinzers and shoot off a truckload of fireworks.