Suzy Kolber has a potty mouth.

Then again, I’m pretty sure every member of Steeler Nation who watched Pittsburgh defeat the Baltimore Ravens 23-20 in overtime last night directed a few cuss words at their television screens.  Yes, we managed to hand the Ravens their first loss.   Yes, this puts us in a fairly commanding position in the AFC North.  And yes, there were a few individual performances which stood out.

Chief among them was the play of Mr. Monday Night James Harrison.  Harrison absolutely wrecked the Miami Dolphins last year during the MNF Sod Bowl debacle.  Tonight, he played even better.  11 tackles, 2.5 sacks, and a caused fumble resulting in a defensive TD.  He was all over the field, causing havoc wherever he went.  I know he drew at least 2 holding penalties but from what I saw, he could’ve easily drawn a half-dozen more.  He was literally a runaway freight train and the Ravens couldn’t hope to stop him, only contain him, which they were barely able to do.

Overall, the defense didn’t quite play as well as in previous games although there are a lot of mitigating factors which I’ll get to in a minute.  The line, minus starters Bret Keisel and Fatboy Hampton, held their own in the running game.  I loved how the Worst Commentators Ever™ criticized the lack of Ravens running plays.  I guess they never bothered to read their own obtrusive graphics which showed at one point they gained 9 yards on 8 carries.  Plus, RB Willis McGahee was gutting it out when he was clearly injured.

They did have some problems with rookie QB Joe Flacco, though.  For a guy who is supposedly a statue back there, he scrambled around like Kordell Stewart on a crucial first half scoring drive.  The secondary, particularly S Troy Polamalu (who had another outstanding game), was one step away from an INT on numerous plays but never came up with the big pick.  Flaccos’s cannon arm really gave them problems as he moved the offense by repeatedly rifling passes into tight spaces.  S Ryan Clark had a tough game in missing a number of tackles and CB Deshea Townshend looked very rusty in his first game back from injury.

Thankfully, the linebackers were like daytraders on Wall Street, an angry, snarling, drooling bunch who almost single-handedly kept the Steelers in the game when it looked like they could possibly be blown out.  I already mention Mr. Monday Night but his partner in crime, Mister Woodley, had another fantastic game.  He chipped in with 2 sacks and returned the poor sad unwanted football Flacco carelessly discarded to the endzone for the aforementioned TD.  James Farrior and Larry Foote also showed up in force.  Even Lawrence Timmons looked good in limited action, although he got absolutely flattened by Baltimore RB Le’Ron McLain from the planet Melmac on the crucial game-tying TD.

So that’s the good.  The bad and the ugly can be summed up by one word:  OFFENSE.   Offense so bad, it led poor Suzy to utter a cuss word on national tv.   Too bad Joe Namath wasn’t around to ask if she kissed her her mom with that mouth…and if he’d kiss her, too.

Watching the Steelers attempt what can only loosely be classified as offensive football was roughly akin to losing your virginity on prom night:   you grasp around blindly hoping to stumble upon something that works but most of the time you just end up with an elbow in your eye and a quick but unsatisfying ending.

We had, no joke, 45 yards total offense in the first half.  The running game was not even given a chance.  Basically, it seems like O-coordinator Bruce Arians wants to see the back rip off a 24 yard gain on every carry.  If he should get stopped for a 2 yard gain, however, that’s clearly a sign all is lost and we should go back to passing every down.  Great plan, except our offensive line has more holes than Nevillewood, although they managed to limit the damage to 3 sacks last night.

Actually, I did notice a lot of the problems in terms of protection were exacerbated (made worse) by poor scheming and poor QB-WR play.  On a few of the jail breaks, the guy rushing in was unblocked because they had more guys rushing than we had O-lineman.  I don’t expect our guys to knock out two men each.  Likewise, on other plays, a clear pocket was formed for QB Ben Roethlisberger to step up and throw.  Instead, he steps up and looks and looks and looks some more…   One time the WR didn’t read the blitz and break off the route, another the RB either failed to stay back to block or didn’t turn around for a dump off.  This is all a sign of poor coaching which needs addressed.

Big Ben was in a funk the entire first half, throwing inaccurately, missing open receivers, making poor decisions, and/or running for his life.  I’d like to give the coaches credit for righting the ship in the 2nd half but they don’t deserve it.  They went to a no-huddle where Ben got to call his own plays and VOILA! we managed to move the ball.  What does it say about your offensive coordinator and/or his playcalling if your QB needs to run the offense by himself in order to get anything done?

Rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall, in his first pro start, had one nice run but didn’t move the chains much beyond that.  WR Hines Ward’s mouth contributed more than his hands as his smack-talking caused a crucial unsportsmanlike penalty on a pea-brained Raven linebacker which eventually lead to a TD.  WR Santonio Holmes scored that TD but, to be honest, it was a little slant play designed for 10-15 yards which the inept Ravens secondary miss-tackled into a score.  Mewelde Moore, the last healthy back on our roster, finally showed something when he was pressed into late game action.  Maybe these injuries will be a blessing in disguise as now they’re forced to use more Moore, giving Ben a chance to familiarize himself with his screen pass catching abilities

The story of this game, beyond Suzy Kolber saying naughty words (which in my book makes her all the more desirable), was the injuries.  To call this game a “war” would be like calling Vietnam a “spitball fight.”  Players were hitting the turf left and right.  Before Skippy Reed had nailed the game winner in OT, the Ravens were down to their 3rd string RB.  The Steelers lost special teams ace Andre Frazier in a scary moment right off the opening kickoff.  RG Kendall Simmons tore his ACL shortly before the half.  Then Sugar Rashard broke his collarbone on the first play after.  Both men are likely out for the season which means the injury situation is getting dire.

But not so dire is our record.  A loss tonight would’ve put the Steelers behind the eight ball early in the year and really opened the door for the division to be up for grabs.   This win solidified our hold on 1st place.  Never forget that last year we would’ve missed the playoffs but for two wins over the Brownies.  Should we find ourselves in a similar battle with the Ravens this year, the heroics of the two linebackers I call MISTER may very well have saved our season.

William Clay Ford.  Mike Brown.  The Crypt Keeper Al Davis.  Daniel Snyder.  Jerry Jones.

What do these men have in common?

If you answered, “They should be locked in a shed because they’re a bunch of tools.” good job.  You win a cookie.   And not just any ordinary cookie.   A Louis Lipps’ Lipp-Smacker cookie.  Of course, I’ve been keeping that box in my Steeler Room since approximately 1988 so you might not want to actually eat it.  I leave the decision up to you.

The other correct answer to my original question is they’re all NFL owners.   And that is what I want to write about this week.  As fun as it is to talk smack about other cities and their pitiful teams, I would be negligent if I didn’t talk about a major situation happening with the Pittsburgh Steelers which reached a turning point last week.

The Rooney family rejected a $550 million dollar offer from New York billionaire Stanley Druckenmiller.  A recent article by Forbes Magazine assessed the value of the franchise at around $1 billion dollars.  Druckenmiller, chairmen of Pittsburgh-based Duquesne Capital Management, is worth around $4.5 billion, give or take a billion depending on how deeply the stock market crashes that day, so he wasn’t trying to be cheap.  For one, those valuations are based on paper and not real-life assets.  And secondly, he was only going to be buying a majority (about 75%) interest in the team, not the entire thing outright.

The Rooney Brothers are idiots.   This was about as perfect an opportunity to sell the team as they’re ever going to get.  The NFL wants the team’s ownership to be concentrated into fewer hands.  As most of the brothers have nothing to do with the football business, this was a chance for them to get out and turn a nice tidy profit at the same time.  Without sounding gloomy, they’re not young men.   Why not take the $140 million dollar pay off and live the rest of your life flying first class to Vegas, staying at the bowling alley penthouse at the Hard Rock, and doing shots off the leathery funbags of bleached-blonde Eagle Cheerleaders strippers?

Not to mention, if you’ve been following the news beyond the sports page, you might of heard that our economy is what financial experts call “sucking the big one.”  Things are not going to get better in the immediate future.   Yes, if the Steelers go up for sale, I’m sure bidders will line up.  But instead of a half dozen suitors, you might only have two.  And then there’s the danger of a Wayne Huzienga scenario.   Huzienga owned both the Miami Dolphins and the Marlins.  He spared no expense in assembling a championship team down in Florida.  Then his primary business, Blockbuster, went boom and the baseball team was basically gutted due to cash flow problems (ie having none).  Beyond that, if they wait until after the election it’s a no-win situation.  If McCain wins, the economy will likely continue its Republican induced slide; if Obama wins, the Democrats love taxing rich bastards.   So waiting until March ‘09 to sell the team might cost them untold millions they’d save by selling now.

I know you’re wondering why I care about this.  I don’t know Stanley Druckenmiller.  I’d like to, but only because anybody who paints his face black-and-gold and owns season tickets is my kind of guy.  If I saw him at a bar, well, I wouldn’t recognize him.  But if I did, I’d send him an Iron.  Or a shot of Cuervo.  Or a glass of Pinot Grigo.   Whatever rich bastards are drinking these days.

The main reason I wanted Druckenmiller to own the Steelers is this quote from him which appeared in the Post-Gazette following his failed bid:

But he said he never changed his bid, and was “disappointed” when it was finally turned down.

“I don’t like being in the press,” Mr. Druckenmiller said. “I really need to disappear again, and I need to start now.”

He doesn’t like publicity.  That is my kind of owner right there.   The absolute worst thing that could happen to the Pittsburgh Steelers is for them to be bought by one of these NFL owners who are nothing more than self-promoting jackasses.  Could you imagine a more terrible nightmare than to wake up and find our beloved team owned by Jerry Jones 2.0?

The Rooney family has long been recognized as not only the class of the NFL but one of the most respected owners in all of professional sports.  Their title is well-earned.  They are involved in the football operations but they don’t interfere with their football people.  They aren’t reactionary.  They don’t have hair-trigger tempers.   They are patient but not too patient.  They want to win and they expect to win and aren’t satisfied with anything but winning.  Putting a quality product out on the field is their primary concern.

This is a sharp contrast to the owners I mentioned above.  You can pretty much divide them into two groups.  The first is the Do-Nothing owners.   Mike Brown and WC Ford fall in this category.  These are the owners who we as Pittsburghers should be familiar with if we follow the Pittsburgh Pirates.  They subscribe to the Steve Miller school of management.  Which is to say, they take the money and run.  These owners, like the pillaging Bob Nutting, are perfectly happy to sit back, take the collective bargaining money the league doles out, and not put any of it into the on-field product.

As painful as it is to admit, the Bengals have had some talent the past few seasons.  Unfortunately, their owner hasn’t shown the slightest bit of interest in acquiring and/or keeping the pieces necessary to take the team to the next level.   And Lions GM Matt Millen must have pictures of Nana Ford fellating a young sheep while smothered in green gelatin to still have his job after compiling a 23-62 record under his “leadership.”

Opposite of the Do-Nothings are the Know-It-Alls.  These guys run their teams like they own a fantasy football franchise instead of a real one.  Guys like Al Davis or Jerry Jones continually stick their noses in the football side of the business, bringing in personnel they want, drafting players they want, or coaching from the owner’s box.  The worst of them all is Lil Danny Snyder, who every year goes out with his checkbook wide open and brings in every “name” he can find and then watches his team stumble to an 8-8 record when his Dr. Evil-esque plans fail.

Snyder’s foolishness reminds of a great Myron Cope story.  The ‘Skins were playing the Steelers back in 2000.  Cope (who was at least 70 at this time) kept referring to the Redskins as the “Wash Redfaces” Apparently, Snyder didn’t like this and sent someone to the Steelers radio booth to tell Cope to knock it off.

Legend has it Myron’s exact reply to said note was, “If the boy billionaire thinks he’s gonna shut me up, he can stick his head in a can of paint.”

If the mental image of a half drunk, chain-smoking, septugenerian Myron Cope pulling the punk card of the bigshot billionaire Daniel Snyder live on the air doesn’t make you smile, turn in your passport to Steeler Nation right now.

This story sums up my point better than I could.  Do we want that kind of owner?  Do we want somebody in the owner’s booth that Myron Cope would rather dunk in a bucket of glossy enamel than work for?   I don’t think Mr. Druckenmiller would’ve been and that’s why I wish he would’ve bought the team.   One things for sure, one day in the near future we’re going to wake up and find the team is in somebody else’s hands.

The Rooneys better know what they’re doing.