Strippers beware! Hide your tassels and clear plastic shoes ‘cause Pacman and his Dallas Cowboys are coming to town.

Last year, Dallas had a fantastic regular season, going 13-3, churning out 13 Pro Bowlers, and earning postseason home field advantage only to have all their work undone by QB Tony Romo, a large breasted blonde, and an ill-timed trip to Cabo.  I can relate.

The Cowboys returned stating emphatically on their nauseating “Hard Knocks” series that this year it’s Super Bowl or Bust. But with Terrell Owens being a black hole of team chemistry, Tony Romo’s lack of intestinal fortitude, Wade Phillips looking over his shoulder at coach-in-waiting Jason Garrett, and Pacman Jones being Pacman Jones, the Cowboys are on the outside looking in as all the adversity may be too much for a good team to reach the zenith of professional football.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. COWBOYS OFFENSE

Under the watchful eye of owner/self-promoting jackass Jerry Jones, the Cowboys built an offense which relies heavily on strong-armed QB Romo getting the ball down the field to their big play WRs. Unfortunately, he didn’t account for injuries (a QB being injured in the NFL? SHOCKING!). When Romo went down with a sissy pinky injury, which man-sized QBs like Bret Favre play through but is evidently too crippling for GQ to tolerate, their offense collapsed.

Luckily, Romo is back and seems to have recovered well enough to return the offense to their previous high scoring ways. The big change in offensive philosophy under Phillips was the team going from the Parcells’ theory of controlling the clock to Garrett’s philosophy of trying to score as much as you can as often as you can. Again, a crucial mistake as had they kept a running back centered attack, perhaps they wouldn’t have been stuck behind the 8 Ball when their QB went down.

They have an excellent back in Marion Barber. Of course, their concern was Barber was never a featured back and that his straight-up running style will lead to injuries. That’s why they drafted Felix Jones to take some of the load off, until he went down with a season-ending injury. The concerns about Barber were unfounded until last week when he left the Thanksgiving game with an injured pinky toe. Yep, we’re dealing with a bunch of badasses here, folks.

He’s supposed to play but how effective he’ll be on a gimpy foot when healthy backs can’t do anything against the Steelers stingy run D is a good question. Barber is similar to Brandon Jacobs and the Steelers did a pretty good job on him so stopping another big bruising back probably isn’t a concern.

If you’re going to stop Dallas, you have to remember ABC: Always Be Covering. Patrick Crayton is more of a #3 WR but was elevated to #2 with the exit of Terry Glenn. Realizing their mistake, Jones rescued Roy Williams from that barren wasteland known as Detroit. Out of the approximately 73 WRs the Lions have drafted in the first round, Williams is actually pretty talented although hasn’t made much impact as of yet. When he gets enough reps with Romo, he will be dangerous. Even their 4^th receiver, Miles Austin, is dangerous because he’s got great size (6’3”) and legit 4.3 speed. Not to mention TE Jason Witten had his best year as a pro in 2007, both in pass receiving and blocking.

Can’t See Me Ike Taylor has been the textbook definition of a Shutdown Corner this season, stifling Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, and T.J. Houshalottaletters among others. T.O. hasn’t really had a T.O.-like season this year but he or any of the Dallas receiving corps can strike at any moment so it’ll be up to our entire secondary to be on their game. I’m pretty sure our 122 pass yards/game average will go up even if everybody plays well but if Ike, Deshea Townshend, and returning Bryant McFadden can prevent the big play, they will have done their job.

Tony Romo takes a lot of crap for his goofy personality and diddling of various blonde bimbos but he’s played very well since taking over the team in 2006. In his 28 starts going into this season, he had 19 games of 90+ QB rating and leads the league in QB rating this year. Of course, the Steelers have faced the 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th rated passers this season all exited the game broken shells of what they once were. His biggest asset is his pocket presence and accuracy, especially on some of the longer throws. However, he does have a Favreian gunslinger streak which means he tends to gamble and will throw interceptions. He’s also been a bit of a fumbler, especially when he steps up into the pocket, as his ball-handling skills are much like his taste in women; fast and loose. The hellacious Steeler pass rush will need to create havoc in their backfield since the game will turn on whether they can create some turnovers.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. COWBOY DEFENSE

There were much bigger changes on defense being made last year, although most didn’t know it because they kept the 3-4 scheme. The big difference was going from a traditional 2 gap 3-4 scheme to a 1 gap 3-4 scheme that Phillips has used since coaching under his father Bum. The 2 gap scheme is mainly there for stopping the run while the 1 gap scheme is there for attacking the quarterback.

Defensive Coordinator Brian Stewart was under fire during the Cowboys swoon, which led to Wade Phillips allegedly taking over more of the play calling duties. It’s hard to know for sure but the Cowboys went from blitzing 18% of the time under Brian Stewart to 28% of the time in recent weeks so I’m sure there’s some influence by Wade Phillips. While others may get more credit, I think it’s arguable that Wade Phillips may be second to only our legendary Dick Lebeau in terms of being the best D-Coordinator at concocting a pass rush.

His defenses have averaged 45 sacks a season over his 21 year coaching career. Dallas went from 34 sacks in 2006 to 46 in 2007 following his arrival. All of this spells bad news for the Steelers as the one Kryptonite this team has is teams which can get after the QB. The O-line handled a decent San Diego D and totally stymied Belichick’s goon squad so they’ve played better in recent weeks although the pass rushing talent increases exponentially here.

DeMarcus Ware is an absolute beast. He had 14 sacks last year and got screwed on 3 sacks that were called back by calls that the league later apologized for blowing. He struggles a tad in run defense and sometimes over commits trying to get to the passer so one of the Steelers best weapons might be screen passes and draws to Mewelde Moore. He also tweaked something on Thanksgiving, perhaps his big toe, but he is also apparently good to go and it’ll be a huge challenge for either Max Starks or Willie Colon to handle him one-on-one.

Opposite of Ware is Greg Ellis, another accomplished pass rusher. His problem is that he’s horrible in coverage and struggles against the run as an outside linebacker. Miami Dolphin refugee Zach Thomas fills a need because he’s excellent in pass coverage and is a magnet to the ball carrier although he’s getting older and not quite what he once was. This is a very talented LB corps and O-Coordinator Bruce Arians better be coming up with some plans to counteract the pressure they can bring. A good healthy ground game is vital at preventing these guys from pinning their ears back and coming at Ben Roethlisberger full bore.

The greatest defensive weakness on the Cowboys is their secondary. Terence Newman is their best player but he’s been injured for much of the season with groin and abdominal pulls. He’s played recently but the injuries have hampered some of his effectiveness as last year he was one of the best CBs in the league. Mike Jenkins on the other side has been pretty awful. They try to cover for him by rotating coverage but he’s a target anytime he’s one-on-one. Roy Williams and Ken Hamlin are below average in the safety spots. Pacman Jones returns from Last Chance #28 so he should get a good chunk of playing time in the nickel. To be honest, Pacman was an emerging superstar in Tennessee but what I’ve seen of him this year hasn’t impressed me at all. He’s better than your average NFL corner but he’s nowhere near the level he played at before he decided to Make It Rain.

If the line manages to rise up, or the offense can put forth a running attack which forces them to back off, Big Ben could have a very good day throwing the ball against this secondary. Even Arians’ beloved long passes wouldn’t be a bad gamble as anything is possible against this group. I’d look for TE Heath Miller and WR Hines Ward to be the go-to guys early as they work the middle of the field in short possession type throws. But a patented long bomb to Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington would be nice.

Trying to put my bias aside, Dallas is obviously a talented team. Their offense is strong and their defense is solid. They could easily be one of those teams which goes on a hot streak toward the end of the year and then plows through everybody on their way to a Super Bowl victory. But they could just as easily implode as the strong personalities and precarious injury situations have them always on the precipice of disaster. Last week, the Steelers dealt a potentially fatal blow to the Patriots playoff hopes. Nothing would be sweeter than to give Dallas a little taste of that same Black and Gold poison.

Don’t get excited.

Yesterday’s 11-10 (or was it 17-10?) victory over the San Diego Chargers was the very definition of a bad win. I’m sure some diehard members of Steeler Nation as well as the team’s fawning apologists in the Pittsburgh sports media will declare things are back on track. They’ll laud yet another stellar effort from the Blitzburgh defense. They’ll talk of a rejuvenated offense which featured a 300 yard passer, 100 yard rusher, and 100 yard receiver for the first time this year.

And they’d be missing the point.

The Steelers failed to score an offensive touchdown for the third time this season. QB Ben Roethlisberger’s stat line looks pretty (31-41 for 308 yards) but most of that was climate aided. Due to the frozen tundra of Heinz Field, the Charger defenders tried to combat the poor footing by playing well off the receivers trying to keep things in front of them. This allowed Ben to dink and dunk 5-8 yards passes all day long. Most of the passing yardage happened on runs after the catch. TE Matt Spaeth caught 6 balls for 55 yards while WR Hines Ward hauled in 11 for 124.

To his credit, Ben did avoid the game-altering mistakes which have plagued him in recent weeks. He made a couple dangerous throws but neither the INT bug nor his habit of holding on to the ball too long seemed to crop up. Of course, the weather dictated short passing game was an important factor. If we could run this offense every week, I could understand some optimism. Since this was a one time thing under very specific circumstances, you can’t expect them to be able to replicate it every week.

While Ben avoided mistakes, the rest of the team was full of them. Now I know what it feels like to live in Oakland because this was like watching a Raiders game minus the crazy senile owner. I’ve never seen a Steelers team take so many penalties. The final tally was 13 for 115 yards, many of the drive killing variety. It’s fun to bitch about the refs but perhaps it backfired as Hines Ward (who got nabbed twice for holding) seems like he’s being singled out by the zebras.

One of the penalties, a ridiculous holding call on CB Ike Taylor, set up a SD touchdown. The receiver cut left as Ike was arm jousting with him while QB Philip Rivers threw the ball 10 yards in the opposite direction. The other penalties were a smorgasbord of holding calls, mostly against the offensive line, although one was on a kickoff return which negated a nice run back by RB Gary Russell. Russell, by the way, seems to finally be the solution to the team’s never-ending search for a capable return man.

The line, which to their credit only surrendered 4 sacks on 41 pass plays, had an up and down afternoon. Penalties killed them, particularly on a nice drive that reached the red zone only to see two consecutive holding calls saddle them with a 2^nd and 30. RG Darnell Stapleton was carted off the field and replaced by Trai Essex which by my count means Tony Hills is our last backup left. Pray to whatever god you believe in he never has to take the field. The run blocking was mostly good as Fast Willie Parker returned with a 115 yard performance. He looked completely healthy as the burst was back and seemed to have no problems with either his shoulder or balky knee.

The team did have problems once again on short yardage situations. Mewelde Moore was stonewalled once again on a goal line stand. Parker fared no better on a third and short later in the game. Exasperated, head coach Mike Tomlin gave Russell a try and he promptly converted two of ‘em. So that’s two valuable roles he seems to fill. Good thing we used our #1 pick on a RB last year, huh?

Of course, we’d all be talking about how the Steeler ship has finally hit the iceberg if not for the defense, particularly the work of one James Harrison. The Silverback accounted for roughly half of the Steelers points. Swatting the ball out of Rivers’ mitts in the endzone scored us a safety while his INT return set us up for a Skippy Reed FG. Harrison’s partner-in-destruction, LaMarr Woodley, also returned to play well, particularly on a third and long play where he prevented a big first down by knocking down the ball in coverage(!). Speaking of coverage, despite 2/3 of the Three Amigos being injured, their backups did a pretty decent job. Unfortunately named William Gay was picked on all day and mostly rose to the challenge. Anthony Madison performed capably. The only blight was recently signed Fernando Bryant, who got all kinds of turned around on the handful of plays I saw him for. Luckily, his miscues didn’t cost us. Oh, and speaking of secondary play, the INT by S Troy Polamalu will deservedly take a place amongst the best plays of the season by anybody anywhere.

Since we’re talking about Troy, I guess we need to discuss what happened on the final play. It’s enormously frustrating that players get fined for things that aren’t called weeks after the fact while refs blow calls, sometimes even affecting the outcome of the game, and nothing is ever done. It’s also frustrating that the people in charge of enforcing the rules don’t seem to know them. I tried to read the various explanations but there’s less bullshit at Phipps Conservatory. The main point seems to be the initial pass was ruled an illegal forward pass, thus ending the play there. Except the initial pass was Rivers throwing the ball to a receiver which has been legal in the NFL since about 1938. The WR then lateraled to another player who tried a third lateral only to have Troy jump the play and knock the ball toward the end zone where he picked it up and scored. Somewhere along the line, the refs forgot you’re allowed one forward pass per play. What’s worse, they took 5 minutes to review the play and still blew it. Who was he talking to under the hood, his bookie? Either that or maybe he went to the Dave Hebner School of Refereeing.

In any event, until Herr Roger Goodell decides to reach down with his god-like hand and wipe away the mistakes made by the zebras, it goes down as an ugly 11-10 victory for the good guys. The G-Men returned the favor from the gift we gave them a few weeks back by beating the Ravens so we now have a two game cushion in the division. There will be no rest for the wicked as it’s a short week with the Bengals on tap for Thursday night on the Channel Nobody Gets. The Bengals managed to tie (Tie? A freakin’ tie?) the same Philly team which crushed us and have been playing like an actual professional football team as of late. We’ll have to wait and see if the Steelers can say the same.