Strippers beware! Hide your tassels and clear plastic shoes ‘cause Pacman and his Dallas Cowboys are coming to town.

Last year, Dallas had a fantastic regular season, going 13-3, churning out 13 Pro Bowlers, and earning postseason home field advantage only to have all their work undone by QB Tony Romo, a large breasted blonde, and an ill-timed trip to Cabo.  I can relate.

The Cowboys returned stating emphatically on their nauseating “Hard Knocks” series that this year it’s Super Bowl or Bust. But with Terrell Owens being a black hole of team chemistry, Tony Romo’s lack of intestinal fortitude, Wade Phillips looking over his shoulder at coach-in-waiting Jason Garrett, and Pacman Jones being Pacman Jones, the Cowboys are on the outside looking in as all the adversity may be too much for a good team to reach the zenith of professional football.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. COWBOYS OFFENSE

Under the watchful eye of owner/self-promoting jackass Jerry Jones, the Cowboys built an offense which relies heavily on strong-armed QB Romo getting the ball down the field to their big play WRs. Unfortunately, he didn’t account for injuries (a QB being injured in the NFL? SHOCKING!). When Romo went down with a sissy pinky injury, which man-sized QBs like Bret Favre play through but is evidently too crippling for GQ to tolerate, their offense collapsed.

Luckily, Romo is back and seems to have recovered well enough to return the offense to their previous high scoring ways. The big change in offensive philosophy under Phillips was the team going from the Parcells’ theory of controlling the clock to Garrett’s philosophy of trying to score as much as you can as often as you can. Again, a crucial mistake as had they kept a running back centered attack, perhaps they wouldn’t have been stuck behind the 8 Ball when their QB went down.

They have an excellent back in Marion Barber. Of course, their concern was Barber was never a featured back and that his straight-up running style will lead to injuries. That’s why they drafted Felix Jones to take some of the load off, until he went down with a season-ending injury. The concerns about Barber were unfounded until last week when he left the Thanksgiving game with an injured pinky toe. Yep, we’re dealing with a bunch of badasses here, folks.

He’s supposed to play but how effective he’ll be on a gimpy foot when healthy backs can’t do anything against the Steelers stingy run D is a good question. Barber is similar to Brandon Jacobs and the Steelers did a pretty good job on him so stopping another big bruising back probably isn’t a concern.

If you’re going to stop Dallas, you have to remember ABC: Always Be Covering. Patrick Crayton is more of a #3 WR but was elevated to #2 with the exit of Terry Glenn. Realizing their mistake, Jones rescued Roy Williams from that barren wasteland known as Detroit. Out of the approximately 73 WRs the Lions have drafted in the first round, Williams is actually pretty talented although hasn’t made much impact as of yet. When he gets enough reps with Romo, he will be dangerous. Even their 4^th receiver, Miles Austin, is dangerous because he’s got great size (6’3”) and legit 4.3 speed. Not to mention TE Jason Witten had his best year as a pro in 2007, both in pass receiving and blocking.

Can’t See Me Ike Taylor has been the textbook definition of a Shutdown Corner this season, stifling Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, and T.J. Houshalottaletters among others. T.O. hasn’t really had a T.O.-like season this year but he or any of the Dallas receiving corps can strike at any moment so it’ll be up to our entire secondary to be on their game. I’m pretty sure our 122 pass yards/game average will go up even if everybody plays well but if Ike, Deshea Townshend, and returning Bryant McFadden can prevent the big play, they will have done their job.

Tony Romo takes a lot of crap for his goofy personality and diddling of various blonde bimbos but he’s played very well since taking over the team in 2006. In his 28 starts going into this season, he had 19 games of 90+ QB rating and leads the league in QB rating this year. Of course, the Steelers have faced the 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th rated passers this season all exited the game broken shells of what they once were. His biggest asset is his pocket presence and accuracy, especially on some of the longer throws. However, he does have a Favreian gunslinger streak which means he tends to gamble and will throw interceptions. He’s also been a bit of a fumbler, especially when he steps up into the pocket, as his ball-handling skills are much like his taste in women; fast and loose. The hellacious Steeler pass rush will need to create havoc in their backfield since the game will turn on whether they can create some turnovers.

STEELER OFFENSE vs. COWBOY DEFENSE

There were much bigger changes on defense being made last year, although most didn’t know it because they kept the 3-4 scheme. The big difference was going from a traditional 2 gap 3-4 scheme to a 1 gap 3-4 scheme that Phillips has used since coaching under his father Bum. The 2 gap scheme is mainly there for stopping the run while the 1 gap scheme is there for attacking the quarterback.

Defensive Coordinator Brian Stewart was under fire during the Cowboys swoon, which led to Wade Phillips allegedly taking over more of the play calling duties. It’s hard to know for sure but the Cowboys went from blitzing 18% of the time under Brian Stewart to 28% of the time in recent weeks so I’m sure there’s some influence by Wade Phillips. While others may get more credit, I think it’s arguable that Wade Phillips may be second to only our legendary Dick Lebeau in terms of being the best D-Coordinator at concocting a pass rush.

His defenses have averaged 45 sacks a season over his 21 year coaching career. Dallas went from 34 sacks in 2006 to 46 in 2007 following his arrival. All of this spells bad news for the Steelers as the one Kryptonite this team has is teams which can get after the QB. The O-line handled a decent San Diego D and totally stymied Belichick’s goon squad so they’ve played better in recent weeks although the pass rushing talent increases exponentially here.

DeMarcus Ware is an absolute beast. He had 14 sacks last year and got screwed on 3 sacks that were called back by calls that the league later apologized for blowing. He struggles a tad in run defense and sometimes over commits trying to get to the passer so one of the Steelers best weapons might be screen passes and draws to Mewelde Moore. He also tweaked something on Thanksgiving, perhaps his big toe, but he is also apparently good to go and it’ll be a huge challenge for either Max Starks or Willie Colon to handle him one-on-one.

Opposite of Ware is Greg Ellis, another accomplished pass rusher. His problem is that he’s horrible in coverage and struggles against the run as an outside linebacker. Miami Dolphin refugee Zach Thomas fills a need because he’s excellent in pass coverage and is a magnet to the ball carrier although he’s getting older and not quite what he once was. This is a very talented LB corps and O-Coordinator Bruce Arians better be coming up with some plans to counteract the pressure they can bring. A good healthy ground game is vital at preventing these guys from pinning their ears back and coming at Ben Roethlisberger full bore.

The greatest defensive weakness on the Cowboys is their secondary. Terence Newman is their best player but he’s been injured for much of the season with groin and abdominal pulls. He’s played recently but the injuries have hampered some of his effectiveness as last year he was one of the best CBs in the league. Mike Jenkins on the other side has been pretty awful. They try to cover for him by rotating coverage but he’s a target anytime he’s one-on-one. Roy Williams and Ken Hamlin are below average in the safety spots. Pacman Jones returns from Last Chance #28 so he should get a good chunk of playing time in the nickel. To be honest, Pacman was an emerging superstar in Tennessee but what I’ve seen of him this year hasn’t impressed me at all. He’s better than your average NFL corner but he’s nowhere near the level he played at before he decided to Make It Rain.

If the line manages to rise up, or the offense can put forth a running attack which forces them to back off, Big Ben could have a very good day throwing the ball against this secondary. Even Arians’ beloved long passes wouldn’t be a bad gamble as anything is possible against this group. I’d look for TE Heath Miller and WR Hines Ward to be the go-to guys early as they work the middle of the field in short possession type throws. But a patented long bomb to Tiffin Thunder Nate Washington would be nice.

Trying to put my bias aside, Dallas is obviously a talented team. Their offense is strong and their defense is solid. They could easily be one of those teams which goes on a hot streak toward the end of the year and then plows through everybody on their way to a Super Bowl victory. But they could just as easily implode as the strong personalities and precarious injury situations have them always on the precipice of disaster. Last week, the Steelers dealt a potentially fatal blow to the Patriots playoff hopes. Nothing would be sweeter than to give Dallas a little taste of that same Black and Gold poison.

As regular readers of NPC surely expect, this is where I’d usually post some random news and/or talk a little smack about our upcoming opponents. Considering this week’s game is against longtime rival the Dallas Cowboys, I’m sure many of you thought I’d unveil a masterpiece along the lines of “29 Reasons Pittsburgh Is Better Than Dallas” or “Top Ten Venereal Diseases Tony Romo Has Contracted From Skanky Blondes.”

Sorry to disappoint.

I tried to do something like that but my heart wasn’t in it. Don’t misunderstand, I hate the Cowboys, more than any team not from Cleveland or coached by a hoodie wearing douchebag. But at the same time, I also have to respect them. When you look at the NFL, there are really two teams which stand out as the crown jewel franchises. One of course is the Steelers while the only other choice has to be the Cowboys.

Whenever a team is successful, you’ll find a segment of the country jumping on the bandwagon trying to feel like winners. This allegiance is always short-lived, ending as soon as said team stops winning Super Bowls. In the late 80s, 49er gear was all over the place. Has anybody bought red and gold merchandise in over a decade? When Green Bay and Denver had their brief moments in the spotlight, they garnered a smattering of nationwide support but most of that was pity and none of it was sustained over the years. As for the most dominant team of the 00s, nobody outside of New England cares one iota about the Pats except to hate them.

The only two truly national franchises are the Steelers and Cowboys. The Cowboys call themselves “America’s Team” and while that bit of hyperbole is typical of an arrogant organization, it is also true you’re just as likely to find a Cowboy fan in Bangor, Maine or Butte, Montana as in Dallas, Texas. Likewise, Steeler Nation extends far and wide as is evidenced by the waves of Black and Gold which invade road stadiums in numbers like no other.

So why do I hate them? Why can’t I establish mutual respect and leave it at that? Why does Batman hate the Joker? Why does Superman enjoy punching Lex Luthor in the mouth? Why?

Because we are the same but opposite. One is summer while the other is the winter. One is light while the other is dark. One is good while the other is evil. I think you can figure out which is which.

The Steelers are and have always been a blue collar team which emphasizes gritty nose to the grindstone hard-work. The Cowboys are and have always been prime time flash and dash glitzy Hollywood red carpet superstars. In fact, they’ve had players named Prime Time and Hollywood.

The Steelers have always been about the whole being more than the sum of the parts. To quote the wise Mr. Spock, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” We’ve never had a situation where one specific player is our whole franchise. We never make one player the centerpiece of an entire team. That’s all Dallas ever does. Theirs is a culture of individualism. They’ll find a great RB or a great LB or a great QB but when that player goes down (as Romo did this year or Terrell Owens did last year), the team immediately falls apart. No wonder their fans wanted Bill Cowher and his belief in the team to come and save them earlier this year.

The Cowboys are owned by an irritating jackass of a man who insists on being the team’s General Manager.  Jerry Jones shameless self-promotion stands in stark contrast to the quiet dignity exuded by one of the most respected owners in all of sports, Dan Rooney. This is no doubt why the Cowboys have experienced over a half dozen coaching changes since 1993 while we’ve had one. Their meddlesome owner is at the root of their Machiavellian “win at all costs” strategy. He will bring in any player, regardless of character or past misdeeds, if he thinks it will help them win. Locker room cancers (T.O), gun-toting maniacs (Tank Johnson), and stripper beating miscreants (Pacman Jones) are all welcome in Big D. The Steelers systematically rid themselves of such players, even if they’re supremely talented, such as in the case of Plaxico Burress, an undeniably superior WR whose pea-brained antics continue to embarrass his team to this day.

Tony Romo knows he has crossed over to the Dark Side. That’s why he recently tried to cleanse his karma by taking a foul-smelling bum to the movies. Sure, this isn’t nearly as impressive as Ben Roethlisberger using Jedi Mind Tricks to talk a crazed gunmen out of bustin’ a cap in his ass but it was nice of him to pay it forward since nobody has been luckier these past few years than ‘ol Tony. Besides, what’s so impressive about sitting next to a homeless pan-handler? He let Britney Spears sit on his lap so obviously he’s not put off by strange odors.

Look, here’s the moral of the story. Sometimes good wins but occasionally evil is triumphant. Like in Super Bowl XXX where coke-snorting Mike Irvin and his band of whoring madmen handed the Steelers their lone Super Bowl defeat when Christian gentlemen/future astroturf salesman Neil O’Donnell was paid off by Jerry Jones threw two badly timed interceptions. They’re still paying for that win as they’ve never won another. Hopefully when Good emerges victorious this week, we’ll set their playoff hopes back enough to add another year to that penance.

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How would you like those pointed at you?

Evidently those tricky Washington Redskins use their cheerleaders for more than simple team spirit. It has been reported that the Redskins have their cheerleaders bend and stretch in the visitor’s tunnel prior to the start of each home game. Obviously they think the sight of scantily clad gals in compromising positions is enough to mentally throw their opponents off their game. Okay, it’d probably work on me.

I have to give Washington credit. No other team has thought to whore out their women like this. Sure, several use them as goodwill ambassadors within the community and several produce swimsuit or lingerie calendars but this is the first time I’ve heard of them being utilized as actual on-field weapons. I’d imagine the Philadelphia squad is also used as a distraction although they confine their work to the players’ hotel rooms and money usually changes hands afterwards.

STEELER DEFENSE vs. REDSKINS OFFENSE

First year head coach Jim Zorn has worked miracles with third year quarterback Jason Cambell. He’s adapted very well to the Seattle Seahawks style West Coast offense his coach brought with him. This is the offense that made a mediocre QB like Matt Hasselbeck into an All-Pro so it does have its advantages. The offense leans toward dinking and dunking and when it’s firing on all cylinders even the deep ball is working. So expect the typical WCO stuff, with zone run blocking, bootlegs, quick slants, etc.

Campbell has a big arm, pretty decent pocket presence, and is tough to bring down. Last year he struggled badly with his accuracy, particularly on short and intermediate passes and pretty much got by through throwing the ball to TE Chris Cooley or going deep. In fact, the Redskins didn’t have a wide receiver catch a touchdown until week 10. Fortunately, Campbell played in a West Coast offense in Auburn his final year and had a great season so people should’ve known he’d thrive in the new system. This year he’s the only full-time NFL starter to have not thrown a single interception.

Their playmaker on offense is Santana Moss. He still scares opposing D-Coordinators to death, but teams with somewhat disciplined Cover 2 packages can negate him. He has always had problems with staying healthy or he’d be talked about in the T.O. or Randy Moss category for sure. Old friend Antwaan Randle El is a mediocre threat at receiver and is best as the #3 guy who can return punts. I miss having him on the Steelers but they’re paying him #2/borderline #1 WR money for a guy not at that level. Both guys are threats on special teams which is worth noting as this week the Steelers are going with a good Polish boy by the name of Jared Retkofsky as their new long-snapper and allowing gimpy Mitch Berger to punt with a sore hammy. Hopefully these guys won’t factor in the outcome of the game.

The left side of the O-Line is extremely strong. I like to refer to Chris Samuels as the “Jay Bell of Left Tackles” as he’s not flashy nor does he have eye popping athleticism, but’s he’s just a great left tackle. Pete Kendall continues to be excellent and is a great technician. Randy Thomas is good if he’s healthy. He just doesn’t have that unbelievable athleticism, which prevents him from being the best guard in the business.

Last week, our run defense held strong against a very good ground team. Aaron Smith was his usual dominant run-stuffing self and the return of Fatboy Hampton helped clog up the middle. They’ll need another good game as the Redskins lean heavily on the run in the form of superstar RB Clinton Portis. One reason Campbell has managed to stay out of trouble this year is support on the ground. Remove that support and let’s see if the kid can carry the team all by himself.

Of course, the danger there is our secondary will be weaker than it has been all season. CB Bryant McFadden is still nursing his broken arm and S Ryan Clark is out indefinitely with a separated shoulder. The good news is Tyrone Carter will start in place of Clark, much to the chagrin of Anthony Smith. Somebody should tell Anthony that when it comes to starting for the Steelers, there are no guarantees. *cough*

STEELER OFFENSE vs. REDKSINS DEFENSE

In 2004 and 2005, the Skins blitzed an absurd amount of the time and it created a defense that reeked havoc on opposing offenses. Then in 2006 the Skins had to stop blitzing as the secondary was getting torched. In 2007, Gregg Williams went to an extremely conservative Cover 2 scheme with the safeties playing 20-25 yards away from the line of scrimmage. However, it worked out quite well as the Skins actually finished 14 spots higher in overall pass defense than in the previous year.

The Skins big problem on defense is their inability to sack the QB. They only had 19 sacks in 2006 and improved to 33 sacks in 2007. To that end, they made the trade to bring in Jason “Twinkle Toes” Taylor in order to provide even more firepower to an already stacked D-line. Unfortunately, spinning the babely Julianna Hough around and around must’ve taken too much out of ‘ol Jason because he’s battled injuries all season and is currently listed as doubtful for Monday.

That’s great news for the Steelers as without him, their pass rush goes from mediocre to almost non-existent. Pass protection, as we all know, is to the Steelers what Kryptonite is to Superman. With this match-up, there appears to be a good chance Ben Roethlisberger will have the time to give the field his usual thorough look-see before he decides to part with his precious football.

The Steelers expect Pothole Willie Parker to finally take the field after setbacks the past two weeks.  He’s practiced regularly this week and looks good to go.  The team seems to be hedging a bit on his return, likely due to the excellent work turned in by backup Mewelde Moore but the time has come for FWP to get back into the swing of things.

Also helping will be the return of WR Santonio Holmes. Holmes will be back in the starting lineup after being sat for a week over a bogus pot bust. What’s amazing to me, besides the hypocrisy of the situation, is that no other team sits their players over issues like that. The Jaguars started Matt Jones the same week he was inducted on COCAINE charges. Jerry Jones was happy to have Pacman take the field days after he beat up his babysitter. Damn those Rooneys and their morality.

Washington’s corners did pretty well against the #2 and #3 WRs, but finished 20th against #1 WRs last year. The starters are Fred Smoot and Shawn Springs. Springs should be fine, but he does have an injury history and is 34 years old. I’m not a big fan of Smoot and if they change the style of defense and have Smoot play further off the line of scrimmage it will be a disaster. Carlos Rogers is supposed to come back during the middle of the season after suffering a bad knee injury. Reed Doughty is serviceable, but they lose a lot of range with him in there in place of the late Sean Taylor. Laron Landry didn’t have the greatest pass defense statistics last year but he came along well as the season progressed and should be a keeper.

They say you can’t go home again. A cliché, sure, but that statement held true of the Washington Redskins under the return of legendary head coach Joe Gibbs.  After a quick playoff exit last year, Gibbs went back to cheating at Nascar.  It was thought that Gibb’s Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams would be the replacement, but he had burned some bridges with the higher ups and went to Jacksonville to take over the same position. The reality is that owner Danny Snyder wanted former Giants head coach Jim Fassel but Skins fans were outraged by the pick. The Skins then looked towards Steve Mariucci, who was also widely rejected by the fans. With no other options and Bill Cowher not interested in working for a tool, they wound up taking the man they hired as the offensive coordinator, Jim Zorn, gave him the “young brilliant assistant coach” line and made him the head coach.

On Monday night, I guess we’ll see how brilliant he actually is. Oh, and a few shots of the cheerleaders would be nice too.