Fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers are everywhere. Even in Dallas as the above video shows. I love how the newspaper gave the entire family Cowboys jerseys (including, ugh, pink ones) to make it look like they follow the team. The look on Jason Witten‘s face when he walks into the kid’s room is hilarious.

One of the other cool things about Steeler Nation is how we take over other team’s stadiums. This Sunday, for example, I expect there to be a sea of Black and Gold amongst smatterings of red when we play the Kansas City Chiefs. After all, the Chiefs are a truly wretched franchise mired in yet another losing season. Fans looking to travel, ex-Burghers still loyal to their hometown, and the few intelligent Missourians (an oxymoron, I know) who’ve long since given up on their franchise will likely conspire to make this a home game on the road.

I just hope those outside of the ‘Burgh are careful because being a Steelers fan could be dangerous to your health.

Making the rounds of the internet has been this story about a Pittsburgh man who was in Chicago for the game against the Bears. Afterward, he got into a bit of friendly smack talking with the Bears fans at a local bar. Supposedly, this back-and-forth eventually escalated into a rather heated exchange. I’ll take a wild guess and say alcohol was involved. However, when the locals decided to buy the Yinzer a beer to put the issue to bed, things quickly went from bad to worse.

See, these upstanding citizens decided to slip something into his drink. Roofies most likely.  I wonder how many of these men were in a fraternity at Penn State.  Anyway, this incident tells us two things about Chicago. One, their fans are a bunch of scumbags. And two, if you’re a single woman in the Windy City, you should probably join Match.com.

Anyway, our ‘Burgh guy had a bad reaction to this spiked drink. He passed out and was rushed to the hospital. While there, his heart stopped FOUR TIMES. He was eventually stabilized but has been left blind and suffering brain damage. Mind you, this all was a result of a football game the Bears WON.

So please, Steeler Nation, continue to invade enemy territory. Continue to take over opposing stadiums. Continue to wave your Terrible Towels wherever you may go. Just be careful. The world’s a big ugly scary place full of bitter fans of shitty football teams. And that’s just Cleveland.

I have nothing against the Post-Gazette. I joke from time to time about them being the unofficial PR Department for the Pittsburgh Steelers but that can be said of every media outlet in this city. Truth is, I read their online site (printed newspapers are so 1992) almost every day because they have access to things, like press conferences and player interviews, us lowly bloggers still aren’t privy to.  Plus, I think there’s room for us both to co-exist; I write from the fan’s point of view, while they approach subjects through the eyes of a trained journalist.

Every once in awhile, I come across a story which is so patently ridiculous, my Smart Ass Meter hits the red.  Being a model of restraint, I usually resist the urge to make fun of it here.  But Holy Llama Dung, Batman, did anybody read this column? It’s a story about the Steelers annual Ladies Night Out and it’s terrible. It’s awful. It deserves my unbridled sarcasm in full. Let’s begin…

For $95, nearly 500 women of all ages and from all walks of life got the chance to eat dinner, ask questions of Steelers, visit the inner sanctum of the locker room and attempt field goals while their images were shown on the scoreboard.

Ninety-five dollars?  500 women were willing to pony up ninety-five dollars for the privilege of touring the Steelers locker room?  I’ve been in locker rooms.  Many times I would’ve paid $95 to LEAVE one.  I have no idea why women would be that eager to get a whiff of the stank left behind by 53 large sweaty men.

And I can’t imagine what this so-called “tour” might entail.  “This locker here with the full-length fold out mirror belongs to Jeff Reed.”  “Over here, you’ll see Santonio Holmes‘ jock strap.  Feel free to pass it around but be careful.  Drop it on your foot and you’ll break a toe.”

In a figurative sense, it was a Cinderella-like outing. But instead of dancing at a ball with a handsome prince, they got to kick a ball and become immersed in football. And a Steelerella never has to worry about glass slippers.

Fun activity for the ladies or auditioning Skippy’s replacement?  YOU DECIDE!

And let us never speak the word “Steelerella” ever again.

Speakers for the evening were rookie defensive lineman Ziggy Hood and backup quarterback Charlie Batch.

So for your ninety five clams, you get to hear from a rookie who’s never started a game and our lowly backup quarterback.  I don’t know for sure but I have a strong hunch Ziggy got handed the job as some sort of rookie hazing ritual.

But there also were questions never asked by the football writers, like this inquiry from Devona Edmond of the North Side.

“Ziggy, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, she’s seated right over there.”

“Do you want another one?”

Translation:

“Hi, I’m Devona Edmond and I’m a shameless whore.”

Being a guy and all, I know Man Code backwards and forwards.  Perhaps one of my female readers can help me out with Woman Code.  Are there any rules or regulations about handling some hootchie hitting on your man right in front of you?

If not, there should be.

Ms. Edmond has the team logo tattooed on her back along with her date of birth — June 2, 1986.

The Hypocycloid turned into Tramp Stamp?  I don’t know if I should be aroused or offended by this sacrilege!

Women love the Steelers for a variety of reasons. Everybody loves a winner. Families get together to watch and talk football. The uniforms and the color scheme make a bold fashion statement.

Um, what?  Are they seriously claiming a portion of the Steelers female fan base exists solely because Black and Gold matches their shoes and purse?

“The Steelers officially don’t have cheerleaders. They don’t need them,” said Robin Thomas of St. Clairsville. “They have a million of them.”

We don’t need a mascot, either.  Yet Steely McBeam sadly exists.  Yes, we do need cheerleaders.  You know why?  Because Pittsburgh’s Polish-Italian-German flavor produces some of the most attractive women in the United States.  And I’m sick of people thinking they all look like this:

Besides, the Steelers did have cheerleaders once upon a time.  In fact, they had the first cheerleading squad in NFL history.

“He said his mother had a problem with us getting married because I wasn’t a Catholic. He didn’t have a problem with that, but he did have a problem with me wearing a Cowboys jersey. Once I took that thing off and converted to being a Steelers fan, things worked out fine. That was over 20 years ago,” Ms. Thomas said.

I have nothing funny to add.  Mostly because the same thing happened to me.  It’s 1994 and I’m a freshman at Carnegie Mellon University.  Sitting across from me in Introductory Statistics was this gorgeous green-eyed blonde, whom I’d later discover was a Colts fan.  We dated for close to two years and her dubious taste in football teams never bothered me because this was Indianapolis before Peyton Manning, when they were just a ragtag bunch of lovable losers.

In the 1995 playoffs (played in January of 1996), Indy came out of nowhere to score two major upsets before facing the Steelers in the AFC Championship game.  Up until this point, I had let this girl meet my parents but kept her away from major family gatherings.  On this occasion, I felt it was time to invite her to watch the game with my entire family, consisting of three uncles, two aunts, my grandma, and my folks.  When she walked in wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey, I knew it was the beginning of the end.   We broke up six weeks later.

The moral of the story is this:  religious, ethnic, even age differences can be overcome.  But root for different teams and the relationship is doomed.

There were a few of the pink jerseys in the audience, but the overwhelming majority of women prefer to wear black and gold.

STOP BUYING PINK JERSEYS!!!!!   Only ditzy airheads who watch to stare at Heath Miller‘s ass wear pink jerseys.  Real football fans wear real football jerseys!!!

“Being a Steeler fan truly does span generations,” Mrs. Reinhard said. “It’s bred into you.”

There’s a joke there but…   Nah.  Too easy.

Lynn Kelley, originally from Upper St. Clair. She married a man from Sandusky, Ohio, and they had two sons. But when the marriage soured, he wanted the boys to follow the Browns. To rescue them from such a bleak future, she sought the intercession of Ziggy Hood.

This man should have all visitation rights revoked immediately.  Kids need a strong male role model and this guy is clearly a man of questionable character.  I’m not Judge Judy and I’ve never been in Family Court but his subtle brainwashing has to constitute some form of abuse.  Who in their right mind would encourage anybody to follow the Browns?

This Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers face their first true test of the season.  We’ve played a few good teams but in the Minnesota Vikings we will be facing our first legitimate Super Bowl contender.  If you wanted a measuring stick as to where this team stands, here is your stick.  By Sunday afternoon, we’ll have have some answers concerning what to expect from the Black and Gold in 2009.

With RB Adrian Peterson rumbling behind one of the best offensive lines in the league, Minnesota has ranked in the top five in rushing the past two seasons.  Their problem has been at quarterback.  You can only hide your QB for so long before top-notch NFL defenses figure out ways to force him to win the game.  Tarvaris Jackson could not win games.   So, this off-season, the Vikes flirted with Brett Favre, wining him, dining him, slipping him roofies until he ended his second third fourth retirement.  Favre can win games, in fact he’s already pulled a couple out this season.  They picked up a little bonus when they drafted hybrid RB/WR Percy Harvin at #22 overall.  He’s been a help to the offense and great returning kicks, where the Steelers had issues last week.  When he’s on his game, he dramatically improves an otherwise middling set of receivers.

The question for the Steelers defense will obviously be stopping Peterson.  Aaron Smith was by far our best run stopper and he’s gone for the year.  If Dick LeBeau can’t figure out some way to put the breaks on Purple Jesus, the game is going to go downhill real fast.  Hopefully, the law firm of Kirschke, Eason & Hood will be up to the task.  In other news, Troy Polamalu has not practiced regularly this week.  Usually not practicing indicates not playing but I can’t imagine Troy missing the biggest game of the year.

On defense, Minnesota’s group has been the stingiest in the league against the run for three straight seasons.  Yes, even stingier than the Steelers.  DTs Kevin and Pat Williams are twin brothers of different mothers.  These two behemoths simply negate any action in the middle while DE Jared Allen causes havoc all over the field.  All three made the Pro Bowl last year.   One Pro Bowler who won’t play Sunday is CB Antoine Winfield.  His injury last week seemed to coincide with the Ravens making a furious comeback so I’m guessing losing him has the same effect on their secondary as losing Troy had on ours.

Which means prepare for Bruce Arians’ Flying Circus to be in high gear this Sunday.  Rashard Mendenhall, who has been officially declared our first string running back, will get enough carries to keep the Vikes honest.  But I have to believe our fortunes in this game will rise and fall on the arm of Ben Roethlisberger.  Look for the NFL’s leading receiver, Hines Ward (yes, a Steeler WR leads the league in yardage) and company to see a lot of pigskin headed their way.

When two evenly matched teams play, little things such as special teams often make the difference.  Baltimore battled all the way back last week only to lose when their inept kicker shanked a game-winning FG attempt.  Despite his ill-fated tussle with the po-lice this past weekend, Jeff Reed will be suiting up for the Steelers.  Skippy and his partner in urinary misadventures TE Matt Spaeth apologized to Steeler Nation for their actions.  If he truly wants to redeem himself, he should do it on the field.  Kicking well that is, not taking a piss.

The Steelers have played to the level of their competition this season.  This week would be a good time to continue that trend since their opponent is actually good for once.  Playing to that level would be a compliment rather than a criticism.   And if the Steelers hope to hand the Vikings their first loss of the season, anything less will not be good enough.

Every spring, there comes a wonderful day when the Pittsburgh Steelers announce their schedule for the upcoming season.  I have a ritual where I first scan the list for any of our most hated rivals (Patriots, Iggles, Cowboys).  Then I go through each game and mentally evaluate my team’s chance of victory.  Of course, this is not an exact science as my preliminary prediction of going 15-1  in 2009 demonstrates.

I bring this up because when I saw the Minnesota Vikings on this year’s schedule, I immediately marked that one down as a W.  At the time, the Vikings were being quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson.  The only time Jackson was able to drive the team downfield was when the ball was snapped, he took three steps backwards, handed it off superstar RB Adrian Peterson, and stood there as Purple Jesus bulldozed over the opposing defense.  I figured the Steelers would feast on this one-dimensional team.

Enter Brett Favre.  Favre had retired for third or fourth time (I lost track) but this time it appeared he really had thrown his last NFL interception pass.  Unfortunately, as spring turned to summer and summer into fall, the Favre Saga took on more TWISTS than a M. Night Shyamalan movie.  Until, finally, the dust settled and Favre was the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.

I should have known better.  I am a movie buff, after all.  What is the first rule of the horror movie?   The bad guy never dies!   Every time you think they’re finished, they pop back up to menace the nerdy kid with a heart of gold and big-breasted yet misunderstood cheerleader one last time before the credits roll.  And for those of us who are sick and tired of Favre and his wishy-washy attention whoring ways, the entire Favre Saga was nothing if not a horror movie.

Which reminded me, Halloween is right around the corner.  I was going to do a post suggesting appropriate costumes for our favorite Steelers.   You know, LaMarr Woodley as the Invisible Man, Santonio Holmes as Dirk Diggler, Skippy Reed as Lindsay Lohan.  Then I watched Friday The 13th and it dawned on me, Favre doesn’t just remind me of Jason Voorhees.  He IS Jason..

Let’s look at the ways each have come back from the dead.  In the original film, Jason doesn’t really “die”  but he is supposedly already dead, having drowned as a child attending Camp Crystal Lake.  In Part II, the stupid oversexed pot-smoking teenagers think he’s dead after driving a machete though his shoulder, only to watch him come back for one final surprise.  In Part III, an axe to the head fails to stop him, although it does leave him with a splitting headache.  Thank you, I’m here all week.  The Final Chapter (an underrated gem, in my opinion), he’s once again hacked with his own machete.  Jason Lives sees him sort of drown, although his dramatically clenched fist in the final shot indicates more mayhem to come.  Jason Takes Manhattan sees the toxic waste in a New York sewer fail to stop him.  Next time, try using the “food” sold at one of Manhattan’s toxic hot dog vendors.   You get the point.

Now let’s look at Favre’s “resurrections.”   He was originally drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, who allowed him to waste away on the bench.  He was saved when the Packers traded for him.  He eventually took over as their starter, leading them to their best record in 30 years.  He also developed an addiction to painkillers and alcohol.  Vicodin is a bad drug, folks (except when it’s really really good).  Checking into rehab was, in essence, another comeback.  Years later, Hurricane Katrina blew through Mississippi, causing extensive damage to his home.  Favre seriously contemplated taking a year off so he could be there to shake their hands, to be there to share the land, I’m talkin’ ’bout together now!  He played anyway.

That year, the Packers took Aaron Rodgers with their first round pick.  Thus began the annual “Will he retire?” idiocy.  In 2007, Favre had one of his best seasons ever, leading the Pack within a game of the Super Bowl.  The Packers rewarded him by jettisoning him in favor of Rodgers.  Favre announced his retirement.  Two months later, he un-retired to play for the New York Jets.  Those toxic sewer hot dogs weakened Favre as a hot start quickly fizzled into a disappointing injury-plagued year.  The Jets released Brett and he retired again.  This time, he stayed on the shelf for close to four months before un-retiring to suit up for the Vikes.

By my count, Jason has come back from the dead something like fourteen times.  Favre, on the other hand, has made around eight figurative or literal comebacks.  Advantage Voorhees.  However, Brett has also made 271 consecutive starts.  Jason has only made 11 movies, 12 if you count that hideous Freddy Vs. Jason crapfest.  Advantage Favre.  Hopefully when Friday the 13th comes this Sunday the 25th that advantage won’t be enough to deny the Steelers the victory I predicted for them many months ago.

In 1985, the Chicago Bears won their one and only Super Bowl Championship.  One of the stars of that team was a 370 pound defensive tackle named William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  In addition to playing on one of the greatest defenses of all-time, Perry was also used as a fullback in short-yardage situations.  He even scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl.  The combination of his size, affable personality, and versatile play transformed The Fridge into a pop culture icon.

Also during the 80′s, one of the most popular afternoon cartoons was G.I. Joe.  Until Hollywood decided to bastardize my childhood by turning it into a crappy movie, G.I. Joe was among my all-time favorites.  I read the comic books, watched the show, and bought every toy that came out.  I even sent away for the figures you could only get via mail order.

One of those figures was a special edition William “The Refrigerator” Perry.  Yes, The Fridge was a member of G.I. Joe.  As you can see by the picture above, they did a pretty nice job of capturing his likeness.  Although I was always perplexed by his choice of weapons, which appears to be a football on a stick.  I realize Cobra was a gang of idiots who couldn’t shoot straight but is the best way to combat laser fire really a FOOTBALL ON A STICK!?!?

Anyway, this got me to thinking.  If G.I. Joe came out today and they wanted to make a football player their newest recruit, who would they pick?  Of course, I’m sure they’d choose a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers because that is by far the most popular and successful team in the NFL.  The only question is who?

Let’s take a look at some possibilities:

Ben Roethlisberger – If you’re familiar with the G.I. Joe cartoon, you know that every episode followed pretty much the same pattern.  The good guys were cruising along, then the evil Cobra would strike back, backing the Joes against a wall.  Then, as time was about to expire on the free world, the Joes would mount a furious comeback to deal their enemy a decisive defeat.

Who’s better at engineering a comeback than Big Ben?

The only downside to this choice is the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  I’d be a little worried about Ben getting fresh with some of his fellow Joes.

Dick LeBeau - G.I. Joe is America’s daring, highly trained special mission force.  As a military outfit, they need strong leadership to create strong plans of attack.   Who devises more ingenious strategies than Dick LeBeau?

Fast Willie Parker – He’s strong, fast, and extremely tough.  Although the one downside is he’d probably keep getting caught behind the enemy line.

James Harrison - I’m not sure what physical skills he’d bring to the table besides the obvious of being a world class athlete.  I’d just pick him ’cause he scares the bejeezus out of me.  I don’t know for a fact but I’d wager he has “BMF” stamped somewhere on his wallet.

Casey Hampton - Somebody has to carry the heavy artillery.  Although I do worry about him making it through boot camp.  If he thought Mike Tomlin liked wind sprints, wait until he met his drill instructor.  Hey, I’ve seen Full Metal Jacket.

However, all the Joes had really cool codenames like Tripwire, Mainframe, Chuckles, and Quick Kick.  You can’t deny “Big Snack” would be a fitting addition to that list.  I also considered Skippy Reed for this slot but I seriously doubt he’d be able to pass the V-D test.

Now, making a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers a member of G.I. Joe may seem like a crazy idea.  And maybe it is.  But I am on the right track.  You see, during the 80′s, every Joe figure came with a card that gave their biographical information.  One of the figures was said to hail from Pittsburgh.  What was his codename?